071320 — Blog — Rulerless

Making space for discomfort

When my siblings and I were little, my parents didn’t have special “kid dishes.” They served us scrambled eggs on bread plates.

Sometimes, the bread plates would run out, and they’d serve scrambled eggs on a saucer. Like all annoying kids, we might complain about it once we ate enough eggs to discover the indentation where the teacup was supposed to go.

My dad, undaunted, tricked us into believing we had won something special. He had a special song, like a fanfare: “The secret ring! You’ve found the secret ring!” Mollified or perhaps even pleased, the secret-ring-haver would would go back to eating their eggs.

Casey von NeumannJune 23, 2020071320, 092320, 030922, 012623Comment

Let the kid do the work

I’ve seen it happen countless times. An eight-year-old walks up to his mom with a crumpled piece of paper. Mid-conversation, she tucks the trash into her purse or pocket without conscious awareness.

I ask you: At what age should a child be expected to find a trash can on his own? Twelve? Twenty-five?

As a teacher, I’ve observed that many parents (and in fact, many teachers) do things for children and adolescents that the kids could be doing for themselves.

Casey von NeumannMarch 24, 2020062320, 071320, 111820, 052522Comment

It doesn’t have to be this way

When I speak of my life as a child growing up in a small town in Maine, I’m not exaggerating or idealizing when I say that there was endless time to play.

Back in the olden days of the 1980s, kindergarten lasted only a half day, there was no homework until third or fourth grade, and children who were barely out of the single digits could roam around on bikes or on foot. Older kids enjoyed a six-hour school day and no carpool — just a short bus ride. Standardized testing was minimal, and we had outdoor recess all the way through middle school. We didn’t have devices or the Internet — we had the woods, the beach, the library, and each other. And lots and lots of snow.

Casey von NeumannOctober 8, 2019061620, 070420, 071320, 072320, 012021, 021721Comment

Rules vs. principles

Many of us are used to rules and accept them without question.

For some of us, they make us feel safe and comfortable, like someone’s in charge.

For others, they are begging to be tested, contested, rebelled against, bent, and broken.

Each of these tendencies are valuable and necessary. A society in which everyone is constantly questioning the rules has no peace and stability. On the other hand, a society in which everyone always follows the rules, no matter what they are, veers toward totalitarianism.

Casey von NeumannSeptember 27, 2019071320, 111320, 052621, 110221, 051322Comment

Better results through choices

As adults, we get to do what works for us. We have choices. We can organize our day’s activities based on our optimal sleeping and waking times, and we can take breaks when we need to. We can leave living situations, relationships, and job roles that are no longer working for us. We can eat and pee when we need to.

I would argue that becoming a self-actualized human actually depends on learning to make choices for ourselves. After years of being told what to do, seeing the full array of possibilities available to us can be overwhelming. It takes practice.

Casey von NeumannApril 23, 2019decision-making, 070520, 071320Comment

How to support an adolescent who's overwhelmed by school

Many adolescents are like periwinkles. They get so overwhelmed by the demands of school that they shut themselves tightly into their shells.

Some kids deal with school overwhelm by focusing on their social life or a preferred hobby to the exclusion of all else. The lucky ones have a few trusted friends or a peaceful family life to come home to. Others can’t find a safe harbor in any aspect of their lives.

While this feels like an emergency situation — and it absolutely can be — intensifying the pressure will only make things worse.

Casey von NeumannMarch 18, 2019070720, 071320, 080320, 090720, 033122Comment