Better results through choices
I wouldn’t last five minutes. (Photo by Albert Barden, 1952. State Archives of North Carolina, Raleigh, NC.)
Children aren’t little adults — but they are small human beings. They are just like us in the ways that matter, even if their brains function a little differently because they aren’t fully developed.
Even though we know children are fellow humans, we put them in all kinds of situations that we wouldn’t tolerate — and we expect them to behave better than we would.
Seven hours of school plus three hours of homework — or ten hours in a fluorescent-lit day care.
A twenty-minute lunch break.
Having to “hold it” because someone else won’t allow you to use the bathroom when you need to.
Sitting still.
Asking for clarification or support and being told that you should have listened better the first time.
As adults, we get to do what works for us. We have choices. We can organize our day’s activities based on our optimal sleeping and waking times, and we can take breaks when we need to. We can leave living situations, relationships, and job roles that are no longer working for us. We can eat and pee when we need to.
I would argue that becoming a self-actualized human actually depends on learning to make choices for ourselves. After years of being told what to do, seeing the full array of possibilities available to us can be overwhelming. It takes practice.
Therefore, the most compassionate approach we can take with the developing humans in our care is also the most practical: We need to offer as much freedom as they can handle and help them make sense of their choices.
With respect to schoolwork, this can lead to some surprising places. For instance, when you’re working on a challenging problem, what do you do? Do you put it aside for a couple of days and come back to it? Do you go for a walk? Do you ask for help from a colleague or mentor? We can offer this expanded palette of choices to students. Instead of pretending to work, a student can get up, stretch, grab a snack, and come back with a fresh perspective.
Personally, I do my best problem-solving on projects by thinking out loud while walking in nature. And certain math solutions tend to come to me in the shower. I didn’t know that these were possibilities when I was twelve — I just thought I wasn’t concentrating hard enough when I was sitting at my desk.
Lots of effective thinking looks like goofing off. Walking around, staring off into space, doodling, throwing a ball around — how do we know whether this is work avoidance or actual work? To solve this, we have to teach kids how to tell the difference for themselves — and then we have to make it okay for them to take breaks, switch tasks, seek help, or get snacks as needed. If they are allowed to say, “I’m having trouble concentrating right now,” or "This isn't working for me right now. Can I try something else?" without fear of judgment, they are more likely to speak up.
Most children are amazingly obedient when you consider the amount of time they must spend satisfying someone else’s agenda each day. We should recognize and appreciate that they are doing their very best to please us and, whenever possible, give them the freedom and support to discover their own strengths, preferences, and desires. That’s what we all deserve.