How to support an adolescent who's overwhelmed by school

When I was a kid growing up in Maine, we used to pick up the plentiful periwinkles and sing to them. Supposedly, this caused them to come out of their shells.

Of course, just holding the periwinkle still for awhile was enough to make it go, "Hmmm, what's going on?" and peek out of its shell to investigate.

If we shook the shells, the periwinkles would disappear.

Many adolescents are like these periwinkles. They get so overwhelmed by the demands of school that they shut themselves tightly into their shells.

Some kids deal with school overwhelm by focusing on their social life or a preferred hobby to the exclusion of all else. The lucky ones have a few trusted friends or a peaceful family life to come home to. Others can’t find a safe harbor in any aspect of their lives.

While this feels like an emergency situation — and it absolutely can be — intensifying the pressure will only make things worse.

The only way you can guide this timid periwinkle to become interested in life outside the shell is to back off and provide space.

You don’t actually have to sing, unless it helps you pass the time.

First, simply stop. Stop lecturing, stop trying to manage and control. If you can, stop worrying.

If your child needs professional help, line it up. Some kids need various therapies and treatments to come out of darkness.

Lots of kids are drowning in too many activities and too much structured time. School hours are too long, homework is too much, and time to sleep and relax is too short. What can be eliminated or reduced?

Provide calm, quiet time and calm, quiet physical space. Allow your adolescent to make choices about how their time is spent. What does your kid do when she has an opportunity to choose, and time doesn’t feel scarce?

Slowing down and creating space is sometimes enough in itself to create transformation on the part of the student. When we back off, we will often find that kids can get back in touch with the part of themselves that wants to grow and succeed.

And if we are seeing unhelpful behaviors or traits that aren't contributing to the person's success, the fact that we've slowed down helps us to better identify these issues and pinpoint their causes — and come up with solutions.

The transformation may not happen on our timetable. We have to be patient and let go of our notions of “getting back on track” or “being productive.” Impatience and overeagerness will only cause the student to slip back into the darkness of the shell.

But if we take our time, genuine engagement can happen. We have to be ready for our periwinkle to emerge on his or her own terms, with distinct preferences and opinions that may have never been expressed before. Congratulations — you’ve made space for your child to move toward becoming the adult he or she will eventually be. And adults don’t just do what they’re told. They take control of their lives. They refuse to hide. They don’t stay overwhelmed for long.

Be ready.