Recently, I got to hug some family members for the first time since January.

A combination of traveling and the good ol’ pandemic kept me away — at least a few hours away, and sometimes a thousand miles away. But finally, outdoors on a beautiful day, none of us having gone anywhere recently, it was time to embrace.

I had been so anxious about missing them and missing so much of their lives. Kids change so fast. Would they even remember me? But within moments it was as though no time had passed. Just like old times, except in masks.

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Over the next few weeks, most American children will return to some kind of school.

For many, there will be a return to the misery of this past spring, when solitary worksheets replaced meaningful connection and challenge.

For others, however, misery has always been endemic to the school experience, pandemic or no. An assignment isn’t going to get done unless mom or dad are sitting there, managing the process like they’re trying to pull a pickup truck out of a ditch (with all of the exertion and feelings of frustration and inadequacy that implies).

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I’ve seen it happen countless times. An eight-year-old walks up to his mom with a crumpled piece of paper. Mid-conversation, she tucks the trash into her purse or pocket without conscious awareness.

I ask you: At what age should a child be expected to find a trash can on his own? Twelve? Twenty-five?

As a teacher, I’ve observed that many parents (and in fact, many teachers) do things for children and adolescents that the kids could be doing for themselves.

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My team and I teach our students to create their own learning plans.

It’s exciting to empower them to make their own decisions about pacing. For instance, if they want to finish an algebra textbook by April 1, they might realize that they have to do two hours outside of class each weekday. When this “homework” is self-administered and in the service of a goal, they are much more enthusiastic about it.

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One of the most important lessons I learned from Karen Pryor’s amazing Don’t Shoot the Dog! The New Art of Teaching and Training is that operant conditioning can be humane — so humane that you can use it successfully on yourself. In doing so, you can improve your results and more reliably engage your powers of self-discipline and follow-through.

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