Rules vs. principles
What can you get away with when no one’s looking? (Dutch National Archive)
Many of us are used to rules and accept them without question.
For some of us, they make us feel safe and comfortable, like someone’s in charge.
For others, they are begging to be tested, contested, rebelled against, bent, and broken.
Each of these tendencies are valuable and necessary. A society in which everyone is constantly questioning the rules has no peace and stability. On the other hand, a society in which everyone always follows the rules, no matter what they are, veers toward totalitarianism.
What’s the balance? When we are children, we learn to follow the rules that keep us safe. But as we grow, the rules can be gently prized apart, ideally with guidance from adults, so that we can see their inner workings. What is the principle behind this rule? And what are the values behind that principle?
Inevitably, as we do this, we will discover rules that aren’t based on principles, but are only the result of the well-intentioned notion that you can legislate a problem out of existence. Sometimes this works, but not always.
As children move toward adolescence, regardless of whether the’ve received any guidance on the subject of rules, they begin to suspect that not all of the rules they encounter are based on principles. They may also question whether they even share the values that underpin the rules around them. Even if they do, their unfinished brains want to see what happens if they break the rule anyway. Hence, teenage rebellion.
Hopefully, the result of this harrowing process is learning. If we, the adults, understand this as a normal and natural process, we can coach teenagers through it. They may certainly face consequences, natural and otherwise, for breaking rules, but it doesn’t have to be an ordeal filled with fear, despair, and judgment. The ideas in books like Parenting Teens with Love and Logic can help parents to navigate these years without alienating their teens or going crazy.
As teens become adults, their approach to rules shifts again. When we find ourselves making the rules, how do we decide what must be a rule in the first place, whether for ourselves or others?
In designing a school, I found that I preferred to have as few rules as possible. Instead, we work to help our students, teachers, and parents understand our values. This is much harder at first but leads to much richer learning experiences and a school culture that everyone can buy into. Based on a set of shared values, everyone can participate in establishing the norms that make things run smoothly and make decisions based on the principles that follow from those values.
For example, when a teacher steps up to the front of the room, she waits patiently for a moment until the students have quieted themselves down. Based on a shared value of mutual respect, students help each other to turn their attention to the teacher, while the teacher allows a moment, not expecting this to happen instantly.
How does it work when students behave in ways that run contrary to our values? Just yesterday, in fact, on a school trip, one of our students heckled a teacher who was leading a discussion with a loud “Booooo!” The teacher ignored the disruption in the moment (based on the principle of not feeding the trolls), but later had a conversation with the student about the incident, pointing out that such outbursts prevent him from connecting with his classmates and teachers in the positive way that he desperately craves. As it turns out, the student thought he had been making a joke. “I’m having so much fun on this trip.” By treating the moment as an opportunity for learning, the teacher created a deeper connection and a shared understanding of the principles behind our expectations — a strategy that is much more likely to lead good behavior in the future.
It’s often harder for teachers than it is for students to adjust to an environment driven by principles as opposed to rules. It means that they have to question their own behavior and motives more than the students do. But in the long run, an environment without rules is easier to manage. You’re not constantly having to acknowledge and punish arbitrary infractions. People get to do the right thing.
Focusing on principles that, in turn, are based on values leads to a learning environment of mutual trust that allows us all to bring out the best in each other.