Let the kid do the work

“Put that doll down, you need both hands for this.” (Miami University Libraries)

I’ve seen it happen countless times. An eight-year-old walks up to his mom with a crumpled piece of paper. Mid-conversation, she tucks the trash into her purse or pocket without conscious awareness.

I ask you: At what age should a child be expected to find a trash can on his own? Twelve? Twenty-five?

As a teacher, I’ve observed that many parents (and in fact, many teachers) do things for children and adolescents that the kids could be doing for themselves.

From making meals to organizing materials to problem-solving, perhaps it seems easier and faster for us adults to just do it ourselves. However, easier and faster is not the goal. As I see it, our mission is to develop capable and resourceful human beings. The more we do for our kids, the more we diminish their opportunities to grow. We ought to slow down and let them do stuff.

Normally, many families have such insanely busy lives that they don’t have time for this. A child’s clothing is chosen for her and laid out the night before. Breakfasts and bag lunches are prepared and distributed by the adults. Shoes are velcro or pull-on, or they’re quickly and expertly tied by an adult. After school snacks are tossed into the backseat on the way to an activity, homework is cursory, and the chores and errands of running the household are seen to by parents, babysitters, a cleaning crew, freelancers, and so on.

This is how we end up with middle school students who can’t tell time on an analog clock, can’t identify coins, can’t clean up their own space, and struggle to think for themselves. They just haven’t had enough practice at the basics.

But here we are in the midst of a global pandemic: Suddenly, lots of families are no longer in a hurry. They’re not going anywhere. There is all the time in the world.

This is the moment for the kids to learn to do things for themselves. Not all by themselves — that may take a bit more practice. But this is the time to teach your child how to plan meals for the week and then prepare them. How to clean the kitchen, the bathrooms, and the doorknobs. How to do the laundry. How to make a schedule for the day and stick to it. How to clean up after themselves. How to cope with anxiety, boredom, and frustration. How to find satisfaction in a job well done.

Many kids are capable of far more than they are in the habit of demonstrating. Even the teachers at my music school are learning this in the switch to online lessons. Instead of pointing at the printed music and saying, “start here,” they have to say, “start at measure nine.” The student claims not to know where measure nine is, which presents the perfect opportunity for him to learn.

Self-sufficiency takes awhile to develop, and we stunt that process when we do things for kids because we don’t have the time or the patience to let them practice. Yes, it can be excruciating to stand by and do nothing while a child ties her shoes slowly or butters her bread badly, but that is what it takes.

In the long run, you will end up with a child who doesn’t need as much from you. As painful as that can be for some parents, that is the goal.

For highly capable or very busy people, delegating is difficult. It’s likely that the person you hand a task off to won’t be as good at it as you are — not at first. It may require more work on your part to guide someone through the process. You have to trust that you will save time eventually; more importantly, in the meantime, you are helping another human being to gain new skills. That’s the role of any good teacher, leader, or parent.