Why we don't keep our commitments to ourselves
Oh, please. Let’s not get too precious about this, okay? (Image by Jan)
Despite hard work and good intentions, years can go by without meaningful progress toward our most deeply-held goals.
It turns out that this is the problem I’m most interested in helping people solve these days. And I am very interested in exploring why so many of us do everything but the work we feel most called to do.
I’ve written before about how the key is to create appointments with ourselves that we honor to the same degree as our appointments with others.
But what about when we make the appointments with ourselves but do not honor them? What is happening there?
I’ve observed a few habits that prevent people from keeping their commitments to themselves (and then there are the ones who resist the idea of making those commitments or can’t make them in the first place, but that’s another story).
First, people-pleasing. If we feel safe and “okay” when others think well of us, we’ll focus on obtaining our drug of choice (approval) rather than doing the things that will bring us short-term discomfort (saying no to others) and long-term satisfaction (saying yes to ourselves).
Second, living in chaos. We don’t take our plans seriously because we expect them to be disrupted. If I am constantly putting out fires, I never have to do the hard work of making my own dreams a reality.
This is often related to perfectionism. It’s scary to think about following through on our vision and having the results not be as pristine as they were when we conceived of them. If life is unmanageable, we’ll never have to face that.
Third, moving the goalposts. This happens when we are on the brink of finally getting our s**t together and choose to up the ante. Goal A is getting closer, so how about let’s go for Goal G?
We’re so used to not reaching the goal that, guess what, we make sure we don’t reach the goal. (We aren’t always consciously aware that we’re doing this.)
Sometimes, rather than moving the goalposts, we change our minds or second-guess our direction. The result is the same: We are thrown farther from achieving the thing we set out to do.
So what can be done to change these patterns or work around them? I have a few suggestions:
Work on mindfulness. This will help you to be more aware of your actions and potentially choose different ones.
Learn to say no. Say it to other people, and say it to yourself when you are tempted to behave in ways that are contrary to your well-being.
Make plans that are incredibly concrete — no metaphors, no vagueness, no wiggle room. This means that doing the hard, scary work is treated as matter-of-factly as making the bed.
Find daily, in-your-face support on the follow-through, either from a coach or a trusted friend.
Make immediate, imperfect low-stakes decisions instead of doing yet more research.
Meet yourself where you are. Step one of you plan should not be based on a fantasy of who you might someday become.
Hold on to your vision. Write it down and remind yourself of it whenever you want to change things up.
This is some of the work that we can do to put ourselves in a position to do the work that matters to us. Not only will we then have a chance to make our dream come true, we will become stronger and more resilient along the way. We will have a useful skill set that will come in handy in all kinds of situations.
With a fresh confidence in ourselves and in our ability, we will finally be able to achieve what we’ve been longing for. Then, we can help someone else do the same.
