How not to set a goal

When we put ourselves into situations in which we’re committed to only one possible solution to a problem, we struggle and suffer. (Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20)

“2023 goals...stop procrastinating...” she wrote, on Christmas Day.

It’s only a few words, but I have so much to say about them.

First, I’ll comment on the obvious irony. Why not stop procrastinating today? Procrastinating on our procrastination cessation, are we?

But it’s understandable. transformational changes are scary, so deferring them is more comfortable. We like to think that we’ll be a different person tomorrow — a magical transformation to facilitate our transformation.

Another bit of irony: This was a comment on a video in which I demonstrated the philosophy of Kaizen, in which we seek tiny increments of progress instead of transformational change. Using this approach, we don’t expect ourselves to become a different person. Instead, we begin where we are, with the tools, beliefs, and habits that we have. The reason we do that is to bypass the fear and anxiety we might experience if we attempted a bigger change.

When we undertake a project Kaizen style, we are not really doing the project — at least, not to the extent that our amygdala will notice. We’re not, for instance, decluttering our home once and for all. Today, we’re just opening the junk drawer and tossing out an expired battery and a key that goes to a house we don’t live in anymore.

We don’t have to “stop procrastinating.” We can just do one little task without even thinking about it.

Of course, the construction of “stop procrastinating” lends itself to black-and-white thinking. If this is indeed a goal, how do we measure it? Will we never procrastinate again?

Perhaps this person’s procrastination only causes problems in certain areas of her life, and she could focus on those. In any case, flipping the statement would be helpful. She could state what she will do instead of what she wants to stop doing. For instance, she could set an intention to pay bills on time in 2023, or to begin committing ten minutes a day to tidying up.

Once she figures out what she wants to do, she can work backward to identify structures and support that she can put in place to facilitate the intended action. For example, she might put a reminder on her phone that will alert her twice a week to pay any bills that have accumulated. She could put as many bills as possible on autopay. She can pick up extra work to earn additional income to pay the bills. She can cancel unnecessary subscriptions. She could set a monthly bill-paying date with a friend.

The more specific we get, the more likely we are to follow through on our promise to ourselves since we’ll actually know what it is we’re supposed to do and can make a plan to for doing it.

On the other hand, being specific also puts us on the hook. If we are clear about our intention, we’ll know exactly how we failed if we decide not to follow through on it.

Thus, if our attempt at self-improvement is fragile — which it would probably be for this person, who doesn’t seem to have a lot of experience setting effective goals — we can scale down our expectations to something we can be sure to follow through on. Instead of “stop procrastinating in 2023,” we can set a goal like, “call the dentist before lunch.”

For some of us, that type of task is really hard. But we can write it down, put a reminder on our phone, and tell a friend for accountability. And we may end up calling the dentist after lunch or tomorrow, but we did call the darn dentist. Over time, we begin to build trust in ourselves that allows us to make longer-range plans and set larger goals.

I have one more thing to say about “stop procrastinating.” What if she were to let go of this goal completely? What if she were to accept this tendency to procrastinate and simply work around it? What if, by removing the pressure to “stop procrastinating,” she could remove a smidgen of resistance to doing the tasks and shed the same amount of shame?

My heart goes out to the person who set this anti-procrastination goal. I hope she’s able to accomplish some things this year that are meaningful to her. I hope she’s able to find a sense of peace and self-compassion — in 2023 and beyond.