What if I never figure it out?
There are pros and cons to going all the way with something. (Image from Fish Stories, 1909)
When I left college, I thought I was going to be a performing songwriter.
I recorded an album of original songs that year.
I recorded another album of original songs eighteen months later.
And since then...nothing.
I've written songs, but I've never gotten back to the mindset I once had in which writing and recording songs meant everything. You could say that I've been distracted by other things—for instance, a completely different career.
As I've gotten older, I've seen the possibilities narrow. I don't have infinite time and infinite opportunity. There are so many things I'll never do. Since I'm mortal, I guess this that going to have to be okay.
For some of us, however, this diminishing of possibility is a paralyzing threat. We have such high expectations of ourselves—maybe because we were told that we could be anything they wanted to be—that we are struggling to accept our limitations.
The internal narrative goes something like this: "But what if I never write the book/run the marathon/have the child/open the taco stand?"
What if I never figure it out? What if I never succeed? What if I leave no legacy?
Even though that narrative is scary, I've learned that it has less emotional weight when I play it all the way through. If I never manage to climb the literal or metaphorical mountain, my life will go on more or less the same way that it is now. If that is unacceptable to me, I can make smaller adjustments so that I like my life more.
If those smaller adjustments don't suffice—if I believe that I'll never be happy or fulfilled unless I make the buried dream come true—I need to go all in on making the dream happen. But honestly, it's a lot easier to change my expectations.
On the one hand, I'm advocating for a life of mediocrity. No one does, and I think it's important. A stable life in which you provide for your family can be enough. Not everyone needs to win a Nobel Prize.
On the other hand, if we give ourselves permission to let go of a dream, that can make it easier to do the things that will make it happen. It's a paradox that, for some of us, dropping the pressure we're putting on ourselves to succeed allows us to actually do so.
And on the third hand, if this whole discussion pisses you off and makes you want to redouble your efforts to move toward the goal you've always had, that's great, too.
Any which way, you win:
You might enjoy the life you already have, free of the obligation to paint your masterpiece.
Or, you might have more fun pursuing your goal once you've given yourself permission not to pursue it.
Alternatively, you might ignore the merest suggestion that you might take your foot off the gas, and floor it instead.
The point is not that one of these approaches is the right one. I've made use of them all. Rather, the key is that if the one you're using isn't working, you can try another one.
And if you are afraid of giving up, I'm here to say that it can be the most liberating and wonderful thing.
Unfortunately, none of us will live forever. I'll never be a developer, a dancer, or a film director. Whether I can do these things is irrelevant; the more immediate challenge is that there isn't time. Everything carries an opportunity cost, and the life I'm living now is the one I've chosen instead.
If I realize that I've fallen into my present circumstances by default instead of by intention, I might be able to change them. But that only goes so far. When they said you can be anything you want to be, they were only partly right, because you can't be everything you want to be. That's what makes our finite existence so special and so tragic.
I would love to record more music, but unless I prioritize it, I'll die without ever having done it. If that horrifies me, I need to make some changes; otherwise, I can enjoy what I'm choosing to do instead.
What if you never figure it out? What if you never make the dream come true? What happens? Nothing. What do want to do about that? If the answer to that is also "Nothing," no problem. But if you want to do something instead, you can.
