In praise of being ordinary

So many lives, so many stories. (Library of Virginia)

I didn’t realize the extent to which some kids face pressure to excel until I moved to a major city and began to work with affluent families there.

Though these kids enjoyed certain privileges and choices that I had not had, they were also expected to follow a certain path in life. They were expected to be exceptional students and go to exceptional colleges.

Presumably, to have exceptional lives.

Over the years, I have observed the burden that these expectations put on adolescents and young adults as they attempt to make their way in the world. The options for education and occupation for these kids are actually narrowed, for not all career paths will be acceptable to their families. They fear not pleasing their parents and not living up to the head start they were given.

These young people always been valued based on their intelligence and talent; however, due to youth and inexperience, they have yet to learn how to apply these supposed gifts. This is, of course, completely normal. We all have to take time to figure ourselves out. However, it is particularly painful for those who are supposed to be exceptional. They find themselves living ordinary lives — driving an average car to a mediocre job, as most twenty-somethings do — and are convinced they are on the wrong track, doing it all wrong, letting everyone down.

The result is depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and so on. Sadly and ironically, the pressure to be exceptional stifles the ability to become so on one’s own terms.

I’m not qualified to tell anyone how to break out of their fear of being ordinary; I was never burdened with that. I faced neither the pressure to live up to an impressive family pedigree nor the hope that I would be the one to finally elevate it. We were ordinary, and that was okay. As various members of my family have found their way out of substance abuse and healed from crummy childhoods, the metric we seem to value most is not achievement, but joy. We aspire to the joyful acceptance of reality. Not very glamorous, but I have found it to be a strong foundation for a fulfilling life.

It would be nice to say that not having pressure to be exceptional makes it easier to achieve such a status. It might be true, in a way, but being exceptional is so much work and sacrifice that if you don’t care about it, you are probably not going to bother. You’ll just live your life and take care of your family, hug your children and grandchildren if you are lucky enough to have them, and pass away without anyone outside of your family and friends noticing. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing missing from that life.

We all get to choose the metrics that matter to us in life. We can measure our lives by money, piety, friends and followers on social media, accomplishments in our field, cool vacations, service to humanity, or the number of awards we’ve won in televised ceremonies. A quick look at a random assortment of famous, wealthy, or accomplished people shows that joy is not strongly correlated with any of those traits. I choose joy. Depending on how I prioritize, that may mean that I’m also choosing to be ordinary. Honestly, it’s not bad. You should try it.