Trust and respect first

Most of us don’t need to be told not to break something beautiful. (Image by msandersmusic)

When I started The Little Middle School, I was a relative outsider to the world of education.

Even though I'd been teaching music lessons for awhile, I'd been out of the public schools for many years.

As a result, some of my students' behaviors surprised me. They were behaviors that belonged in a culture that I didn't want to preserve.

For example, the students knew to raise their hands when they had something to say. Fine—that's how it works in a group of people. But then, when I'd call on someone, all the hands stayed up.

Even worse, when that person took too long to get their point across or had an incorrect answer, the other students would raise their hands even higher and wiggle them insistently, as if to say, "Give up on that person! Call on me instead!"

It was easy to correct this egregious display. I just reminded them that all of the hands had to go down while someone was speaking (including me). This is what adults do in a professional context. Why should these things be different for students? How had things gotten to this point?

I suspect it has something to do with the hold that some teachers like to have over their students. Some classrooms are based on control. Students aren't trusted to be able to make choices that contribute to a school culture they want to be part of.

However, in reality, students are making these courteous and generous choices all the time. The other day, when I got up in front of the group to speak, they all listened to what I had to say. They didn't heckle me, interrupt me, argue with me, or question me. They were patient and respectful.

Any group of students has the power to create massive chaos. Most students do not. Their reward, unfortunately, is often to sit for longer and have greater restrictions placed on their freedom. I believe that we ought to acknowledge more more frequently the gift that students give with their attention and benefit of the doubt, and give that gift back to them.

We often speak of trust and respect as things to be earned. However, more often, they are freely given. When we give trust and respect, it creates a virtuous cycle in which the other person behaves in a respectful and trustworthy way. That doesn't mean we don't lock our doors or do our due diligence, but we give people a chance to be respectful and trustworthy before we assume that they won't.

When we don't give people this chance—when we assume that they can't conduct themselves with dignity and courtesy—they will behave accordingly. We haven't given them the opportunity or context to make any other choice.

That's how we get students competing for a teacher's attention and saying, "Meee! Meeee!" when they wish to be called on. That's how we get students carving their names into desks. That's how we get apathy and subterfuge.

This isn't specific to children. Adults do the same thing when they are under the thumb of a boss or superior who expects the worst from them. Most of us would lie, cheat, and try to get away with things when that's all that someone believes we are capable of and it's the only way to assert ourselves.

Paradoxically, offering trust and respect first goes a long way toward helping students (and others) act like people you would want to spend time with. When you give them room to practice doing the right thing, they'll have room to do it.

They'll have the incentive, too—by which I mean, we all have the incentive to behave with integrity. It's nice if our good work is praised and noticed, but our self-respect matters even more. That's why it's so insulting to be told to do something that any decent person (that is, anyone who knows how to operate in the culture we're part of) would do.

So if we want students—or anyone—to behave appropriately, we ought to try letting them. If we've kept them hemmed in for so long that they no longer remember how, that's on us. We need to relax our restrictions and give them some space to make mistakes and learn.

Eventually, we "be good" because we want to, not just because we want to please someone else. That is maturity. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen if we are given the autonomy (that is, trust and respect) to try. We all deserve that.