Parenting advice from a woman who raised four teenagers (and survived)
Peaceful now… (Image by Andrew Martin)
A couple of years ago, my sister signed my parents up for Storyworth, which is a service that invites the people you choose to answer questions about their lives and share them with a select group of others. I have been routinely moved by the things my parents have revealed about themselves in their essays.
As part of her Storyworth contributions, my mom, Jennie McCann, wrote an essay about raising children. It’s shared here with her permission. I think it perfectly captures the challenge of loving an adolescent who is changing before your very eyes.
What is your best advice when it comes to raising children?
No one is ever going to ask my advice about raising children.
When I was in my twenties, I watched my parents try to deal with my younger siblings, who were a handful. My parents tried to reason, cajole, threaten in an effort to change the child's behavior. I noted to myself never to argue with teenagers. It is a losing proposition. Just state your case and leave the room.
When I had children of my own, I refined my observation. Children need to individuate, and the first time is some time between twelve and fourteen (unless one is quite precocious) when the child turns on you and even the sweetest child will one day look at you with "F*** You" in his/her eyes and your world crumbles a bit.
What have I done wrong? you may ask. Nothing. This phase lasts six months to two years and then a new normal sets in, different from the previous normal but not as nasty [as the phase immediately before it]. That is the time to focus on the children who still like you, which is a good reason to have more than one if you can swing it.
The parents who make much of this and try to wrestle the child into submission could do irreparable damage or at the very least, ruin the last years the child lives at home. It will pass. Don't take it personally. It is no reflection on one's parenting. Wait it out.
The second time of individuation happens conveniently when the child goes away to college or the equivalent. Don't wish your child never to leave you. From about February of his/her senior year of high school he/she becomes quite obnoxious. This is so we are not bereft when they leave us for college or elsewhere. It's a great system. It is during this time that the child vows never to be like his/her parent and takes steps to make sure it is so. Then real adulthood happens and we have to accept that indeed, we are somewhat like our parents, but a much improved version and it's okay.
During the early seventies there was America's first reality TV show called An American Family, featuring the Loud family. A team of camera people camped out in this family's home and filmed everything. When my life with children became especially hectic, busy, and out-of-control and my behavior reflected that, I imagined a camera was filming my every response to my darling children. I saw that I had a choice of how to respond, because I knew that if there were a camera there, my response would be different. I had choices. I think of that time often. I didn't always avail myself of the choice, but I knew it was there.
- Jennie McCann
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Mom. I know now to ignore it when my students roll their eyes. Happy birthday.
