Not just a parent, but a person

If there’s any danger, the joey will leap into its mother’s pouch, kicking and wriggling into position. That sounds uncomfortable. (State Library of New South Wales)

A friend of mine mentioned that she was unsure how she should have reacted when her toddler pinched her.

Her instinct, when it happened, was to jump and say, “Ow!” because it hurt. But her husband noticed that this upset the child, and suggested that, in the future, she try to suppress her reaction and act as though nothing had happened.

Now, I’m not a parent, but I’ve been an educator for more than twenty years and a human being for more than forty. While I can understand the current generation of parents wanting to get away from that whole “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” attitude, things have gotten a little distorted if parents are trying so hard to prevent causing their children any emotional distress that they feel like they have to pretend not to be in pain when they’re in pain. The pendulum has swung a bit too far the other way.

I’m not saying that parents, or any of us, should just let it all hang out and do whatever they wish. Obviously, adults have the responsibility to protect the children in their care. They can’t just yell whenever they want to. They do have to learn to regulate themselves emotionally, which is a courtesy in any relationship. However, over the last decade or so, I have seen more and more parents who are creating a family environment in which they can never relax and be themselves. They’re always on, like a beleaguered flight attendant smiling through gritted teeth to hang onto the insurance benefits.

Parenting, unfortunately, does not offer insurance benefits. Or a 401K. Or a salary. Parenting isn’t a job you can go home from. Living in your house, with your family — that’s your actual life. If you treat it like a job, you’ll be constantly drained. If some aspect of what you’re doing isn’t working for you, and it’s an act that you have to keep up for the rest of your life, that’s a long time to pretend.

Not only is it a recipe for misery to spend your life in a way that is miserable and unsustainable, you’re also potentially teaching your child that you don’t matter and that they are the center of the universe. And that is the opposite of what a child needs to be taught.

Am I telling parents yet another thing that they have to incorporate into the list of other things that they should do as parents? Not exactly. I’m trying to correct a misconception that has led to all of those layers of “shoulds.” I’m saying is that as a parent, you still get to show up as a person. In fact, you get to show up as a specific person: YOU.

If you are able to be yourself in the ways that are meaningful, then you are in the best position to be able to offer love and care. You’ll be better able to emotionally regulate yourself, which is ideal for teaching someone else how to emotionally regulate themselves.

You’re allowed to set things up in your own home in a way that allows you to do your best work as a family member, which includes being a parent. Remember that old saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? That’s pretty codependent, but that’s kind of what I’m getting at here. If you’re cranky and resentful and trying your best to cover it up, that will have an impact. On the other hand, if you feel good, you’ll help everyone else to feel good, too.

Being a parent takes an incredible amount of sacrifice. I’m not talking about listening to the music your kid wants to listen to in the car. No, the real sacrifice is putting someone else’s needs above your own, not their wants. It’s losing an entire night of sleep because someone’s sick and needs you. It’s working hard to provide for someone else because they can’t care for themselves. It’s throwing yourself in front of a moving train to save your child’s life if it comes to that.

This kind of sacrifice is not optional. It’s instinctive. And I can only imagine how exhausting it is. So, as a matter of fact, might as well to listen to the music you want to listen to. Meanwhile, you don’t have to laugh at a joke that you don’t really think is funny. You don’t even have to take your kids to Disney World if you don’t want to.

I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. But I have family members. I have parents myself. And to this day, my parents have their own identities, preferences and interests. I learned, and gained, from my own parents’ willingness to have lives that were their own, activities that didn’t involve me, and emotions that were authentic to themselves. They taught me how to be a person, not by sublimating their own personhood, but by modeling it. They taught me how to do things for myself. They said no to me. And they were comfortable with me being uncomfortable.

I never doubted that my parents loved me or that they’d always be there when I needed them. They were able to do this because they took care of themselves and their own needs. That’s what all of us can do. It’s not mean, and it’s not selfish. In fact, it’s critically important.

So if someone — even a kid — pinches you, say, “Ow, that hurts!” If your kid wants you to do something for them and you don’t want to, say, “I know you can do it,” or “I’m taking a moment to rest right now.” Try it. See what happens if you allow yourself be yourself. And if you’ve forgotten who that is, all the more reason to practice. Be not just a parent, but a person. It’s the best thing you can do for your child.