Even if you don't need help, you might want it

If you don’t want a pilot to take over when you’re transiting the Panama Canal, you can go through the Strait of Magellan instead. (Image by schliff)

Growing up, I was exposed to some very strong messaging for girls and women.

It showed up in books and magazines, TV and movie plots, and conversations with adults and peers.

The message was that you don't need a boyfriend (or husband) to be a complete person.

Since I hadn't been around during the days when marriage was a woman's top priority, I had no context for this message. All I had heard about my future as a woman was, "You can be anything you want to be." I didn't know what this message of independence was a reaction to. I was starting from neutral. Therefore, I took it to heart with no resistance.

I was so good at not relying on a man, in fact, that it caused problems. Freshman year of college, when I arranged to travel 800 miles to see a concert on New Year's Eve with some friends (both male and female), I didn't even invite my boyfriend. His feelings were understandably hurt.

As I've matured, I've added some nuance to my understanding of what it means to be in a relationship. It's true that I don't need a partner to complete me. However, I want my life to be a certain way. Together with my partner, I can create that life.

Whether it's in the name of proving our independence, worthiness, competence, or uniqueness, many of us have a hard time with receiving anything that could be construed as help, support, comfort, guidance, or even loving care. I assert that tendency holds us back from experiencing a richer life.

"I want to do it by myself" is a developmentally appropriate attitude when we're toddlers learning to zip up our coats. But by the time we're adults, it is limiting. A band is almost always more interesting to listen to than a solo performer. There is more available to us when we connect with others and allow them to contribute.

That said, many successful people got that way through clear, focused effort. They blocked out the naysayers and relied only on themselves. It is new and scary to trust others or give up control in any way. It takes practice.

There is also a stigma attached to needing help. However, we can reframe that. You don't "need help" if you want your life to be exactly the way it already is. You've gotten that far on your own. You only need help if you want to reach the next level—to go beyond where you currently are. For that, you may need a therapist, lawyer, doctor, coach, accountant, romantic partner, or friend.

Even if we are willing to open the doors to the contributions of others, their advice or feedback can be uncomfortable to receive. Some of us have a tendency to justify the way we've always done it or explain how we got into the situation we're in. We don't want to be wrong.

We can reframe that, too: The way we've done it up to this point makes perfect sense. We made those choices for a reason. And, if we want to get to the next level, it makes perfect sense that we will have to make some changes. It doesn't mean we were wrong. It means we're evolving.

You can be alone if you want to be. Personally, I'm done with that. I will continue to travel solo, run my own business, and do all kinds of other things that most women didn't have the opportunity to do one hundred years ago. At the same time, I'm supported and encouraged in my adventures by a loving partner and all kinds of other people. They not only make my life better, they make it possible.

I don't need a husband (or anyone else) in order to be a complete person. However, I want a lot more than I need. To get the things I want out of life, I'll embrace interdependence along with independence.