The real boss move is to ask for help

Meerkats work together to protect the whole group from danger. Meerkats can teach us a thing or two about collaboration. (Image by Desmond Langkilde)

A leader was looking for ways to get better at her job.

As she explored her options, she discovered that being the boss has a counterintuitive truth built into it.

She realized that the best way to improve was not to teach herself new skills or spend time with her company's SOP binder.

Instead, she needed to get her team to show her how do things.

She didn't need to prove to them that she was up to speed at using a particular software or carrying out a certain procedure. She would be most likely to build trust by doing the opposite: showing humility, acknowledging the greater skills and experience of her team, and asking them for help.

This is the great irony of leadership. Whereas new leaders want to seem like they know everything, they actually gain more respect if they are transparent about what they don't know.

If you want to gain trust with the people on your team (be they students, employees, subordinates, parishioners, family members, or members of military regiment), the secret is not to be authoritative. At least, not necessarily.

No, in fact, what you can do to build rapport and also learn something at the same time is to say, "You know how to do this way better than I do. Can you show me?"

Often, the person in charge isn't the one who knows everything. It isn't even the person who is best at everything or the most experienced. The leader is just a person who has a specific job, which is to lead. That job does not require being better than everyone. It requires surrounding oneself with the people who can help accomplish the team's goals and knowing how to get each person participating to the best of their ability.

The leader isn't the person who knows where all the bodies are buried. They have to be the person who knows how to support and encourage the person who knows where the bodies are buried. (This is assuming that we are speaking figuratively. If we are speaking literally, the leader should be the person who calls the authorities.)

It can be intimidating to be in a situation where you're supposed to be the one in charge. Now it's you in front of the classroom or the boardroom. We all have been in situations where the person in charge made things happen by being an imperious overlord or ruthless tyrant. But ruling by fear is only one strategy, and there are others that are much better.

Being the boss doesn't have to mean bossing people around or setting impossible standards. Instead, you can be the one who facilitates conversations. You can be the one who guides the team through the process of figuring out what needs to be done to solve a problem and then supporting them in execution.

Yes, you're the one who has the tough job of being in charge. But if the buck stops with you, you don't have time to be good at everything and know it all. You need to be good at helping other people contribute what they know and can do to the best of their own ability.

Many of us grow up with a distrust or resentment of authority, especially when our father or teacher or Girl Scout troop leader is a tantrum-throwing jerk. The last thing we want to see the boss do is act like a know-it-all and present a perfectly polished image. We actually want to see vulnerability and humanity. Otherwise, we're seeing an actor playing a role. If the leader is trying to seem invincible, they are actually less likely to be trusted and more likely to be resisted.

Certainly, there are some situations in which displaying any vulnerability or fallibility—demonstrating that you are in any way human—is a liability and will prevent you from being successful. But those environments are not healthy ones. Leaders are human beings who get scared and make the wrong call sometimes. That's why they rely on other people to ensure that they make the best possible decision. They don't go it alone, answering to no one. That's not being a leader, that's being a dictator. And that only works until there's a coup.

If you are overwhelmed by the idea of being in charge or stepping into a leadership role, consider that it's a position just like any other. Someone has to be the boss and coordinate the activities of the team. That doesn't mean they're the superior—it means that they are good at that particular position

It's paradoxical to think that confidence comes from being okay with being imperfect and showing it, but it's true. The boss doesn't need to be perfect. You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to do it all yourself or have all the answers. You can ask for help. Your team will actually respect you more.