The imaginary standard

Keeping the kid fed and safe (not shown) is more important than doing fancy monthly photoshoots for the ‘Gram.

For years, I resisted advertising for my music school.

I wanted it to be better before I invited new students in. I wanted things to be polished and perfected; I wanted every system to be functioning perfectly and every instructor to do things exactly as I would.

Well, it's been over a decade, friends, and I am still waiting for perfection that will never arrive. In the meantime, we've served hundreds of families who are pleased with what we offer (and sometimes, downright thrilled). We are giving them exactly what they are looking for, and it doesn't need to be perfect. That's good since it's never going to be. In the meantime, I can stop holding myself to an imaginary standard that prevents me from taking action and contributing to my community and organization in a meaningful way.

I know I'm not the only one who has this kind of imaginary standard. It appears in many different places, from art to child-rearing. We believe that we have to meet this standard in order to be acceptable or worthy, and thus we lose out on lots of opportunities for friendship, financial success, and joy.

For example, we might have absorbed the notion that we have to be slim in order to be attractive or loved. Instead of buying nice, well-fitting clothes or going out to participate in fun activities where we could meet people, we hold out. We decide to wait until we have lost five or ten or fifty pounds before allowing ourselves to upgrade our wardrobe or put ourselves out there. Since that "goal weight" day might never come, we stay poorly dressed and lonely.

Or we might think that we have to be more accomplished before we audition for a role, apply for a particular job, join a certain group, or publish our work. We labor endlessly to improve, not realizing that we could be growing so much faster if we challenged ourselves to interact with the people we're intimidated by, sharing what we already have and offering what we already know and can do. We'd get faster feedback and iterate accordingly instead of laboring in the shadows, afraid to be seen.

The people I admire are the ones who do things before they are ready. In the spirit of experimentation, they try things and learn from their successive attempts.

These people aren't precious about what they do, and they don't make decisions based on passion and emotion. Instead of clinging to an imaginary standard, they assess what needs to be done, do it, and then look for ways to do it even better next time. They don't compare themselves to "the best" or hold themselves against their own hypothetical "best." What matters is doing what works best for today and trying again tomorrow.

For so long, I couldn't let go of my own hypothetical "best." There was a summit that I thought I could reach if only I gave it sufficient time and effort. It was disappointing to fall short, and that's where I put my focus. The irony is that I was so distracted by what wasn't working that I missed out on lots of ways that I could have grown and flourished.

When I view my work through a practical lens, I see actions I can take to develop myself and help others. These aren't glamorous, but they are manageable and measurable. Shockingly, I may not ever achieve perfection, but I can achieve more than I give myself credit for. Indeed, I may already have done so.

If you've been ruled by an imaginary standard in some aspect of your life and work—a standard you hold that no one actually requires of you—what would happen if you were to reassess it and adjust your expectations? What might you accomplish if you released yourself from the idea that there is some prerequisite you haven't satisfied or benchmark you are supposed to hit before you allow yourself to do what you are longing to do?

Like me, you might discover that the imaginary standard is a convenient way to escape having to be uncomfortable, compete in a new arena, or be accountable. In discarding it, you might discover that you are able to enjoy new experiences, learn new things, and find a success that had previously eluded you. You might take a different kind of pride in yourself and your work, finding satisfaction not in perfection, but in your own evolution. As you do, you might find that others appreciate it, too.