Assume there is a reason
Thinking about what to do next. (Image by hellareal)
Toddlers are fairly uncomplicated.
When I approached my toddler nephew one morning to greet him, he looked up at me and became distressed. His mom had just left the room, and clearly, he had been expecting her instead. I didn’t take his disappointment personally; when my sister returned, the little boy smiled and pointed at me and said my name (well, his version of it). All was well.
Older people are more complex. We have layers of experiences and beliefs that influence our reaction in a given moment. We say one thing and mean another; we conceal our emotions; we aren’t always clear, even to ourselves, what we want. It is more difficult for someone else to interpret what we think, how we feel, and where we are coming from.
In Seth Godin’s The Marketing Seminar, I learned about the importance of empathy in connecting with others and making a change happen. I learned that if you want to influence someone else, you must attempt to see the world through their eyes. I’ve practiced doing this. I’ve sought to get into the heads of my students, my clients, and even my employees in order to understand what they are looking for and what matters to them.
However, there is an important boundary for me. As much as I care about the other person’s context, I choose not to speculate about it. I assume they have a reason for what they do, how they feel, and what they believe, but I don’t have to know what the reason is for a particular individual.
Especially in my teaching, I’m on a quest to find something that will help that person understand a given concept. But to do that, I don’t have to dig into a person’s childhood traumas and understand why they have a certain hangup or why they’re uncomfortable with something. I can simply observe what is happening and adapt accordingly. This usually means trying approaches that have worked for my students in the past, and then coming up with new stuff as necessary. I learn about my students from experimenting and seeing what works rather than delving into their inner states.
I have spent a lot of time and energy studying people in general and learning about how we operate. When it comes to an individual, I can use that knowledge broadly. I can assume there is a reason and operate accordingly. It’s okay if I never find out the actual reason underlying the choices, beliefs, and behaviors of that particular individual.
This acceptance of human behavior has greatly simplified my life and work. If a student is struggling -- perhaps they’ve stormed into the room and slammed their books down onto the desk – I’ll take that student aside and acknowledge what I’m observing: “It seems like you’re having a hard time. How can I help?”
If it’s helpful for the student to share what’s going on, they can do that. Maybe the answer is that they had a fight with their mom. Maybe they didn’t eat breakfast. Maybe they’re anxious about something that’s going to happen that day. It’s definitely useful for the student to figure out their own emotions and impulses in order to be more effective in dealing with them. But I don’t have to know the exact reason that the student is struggling. Certain reasons aren’t more important than others. If a student is in distress, I always want to address that. I’m not going to start yelling at the student to be more respectful: “Let’s come in again and set your books down nicely this time.” That’s beside the point. I already know that there’s a reason for this behavior, and that subduing the emotional response doesn’t address the pain the student is feeling.
I never want to find myself in a situation where I’ve come down hard on someone’s behavior only to find out that their grandfather died yesterday. Why should the context dictate my reaction? I can choose to be compassionate regardless.
As much as I enjoy helping people solve problems, I’m not a therapist. With the people that I coach, it’s sometimes counterproductive to get into the why behind the behavior. Instead of spending a lot of energy determining the reason we’re behaving a certain way, we can simply take different actions. A client might find it useful to do their own detective work and get into the why. I’m interested in that conversation if I’m invited into it. Otherwise, I’d like to respect the other person’s privacy and mind my own business.
To focus on the behavior instead of the reason behind it is not to dismiss the reason. Another person’s context can be a distraction from my own role and my own choices. I’m not responsible for someone else’s actions. I’m not in control of them. It’s not up to me to figure out that this person needs me to behave a certain way in order for them to feel comfortable. At the same time, I don’t want to be callous or judgemental until a reason has been presented to me that I consider to be sufficient. Rather, I want to respect that wherever someone is coming from is legitimate because it represents their own experience in their own understanding of the world. I’m grateful when I have the opportunity to be included in that, but it’s not necessary in order for me to be kind or helpful.
There will always be situations in which someone behaves differently than I would or behaves in an unexpected or unpredictable way. If I want to learn more about the reasons for someone’s behavior, I can ask. I can look at trends in a group then allow me to make educated guesses about what someone might be experiencing. But above all, the important thing for me is to understand that there is a reason, no matter what it is. In doing so, I’m treating fellow human beings with respect, dignity, and the benefit of the doubt.
