What kids need in order to do their best work

“I want him to want to do the work for himself.”

I smiled wistfully when my student’s father said this.

“He’s eight,” I replied. “He wants to do the work to please you.”

And that is okay. That is as it should be. We would be in real trouble if the children of the world stopped caring about pleasing the adults they love. We need them to hang on as long as possible (which is until about age thirteen, when they find themselves increasingly interested in pleasing their peers).

Eventually, they figure out what they want out of life and what they want to contribute. Even if it takes several decades to get there, no problem — that’s what life is about.

But today, your sons and daughters want you to be proud of them. They crave your praise and your high regard, even when they don’t seem to.

Unfortunately, we humans, with our ancient brains wired for danger, are much better at seeing what needs to be fixed than we are at recognizing what’s working. We feel a responsibility to point out a child’s mistakes or make corrections — because if we don’t, who will?

Luckily, children easily forgive this habit and will continue to do so under extreme circumstances. We all know people who tolerated a lifetime of abuse from a parent, hoping to earn their love someday.

However, being constantly criticized (or ignored) takes its toll on a developing human. If they can’t get your approval, they’ll give up on that and at least try to get your attention. Kids have a variety of tactics they employ, but it all comes down to the same thing: They need love and will try anything to get it. Never underestimate the magnitude of this need. You are the source of security and safety in their world; it is literally a matter of life and death for them.

Obviously, as a caring parent, you understand this. But in my work, I do often observe a disconnect between parental expectations and student capabilities. As my mother says, “Your expectations are reasonable — and they are way too high.” I can only imagine how maddening it is to have your child balk at following through on basic routines, schoolwork, and chores, but I urge you to not take it personally. If you stay calm and resist escalating the situation, you may be surprised at the improved results you get over time.

From my vantage point as a teacher, I see I see lots of kids who are deeply afraid of disappointing their parents. Your children cannot fathom how much you love them, so they think that if they do something terrible (for instance, fail a class), it would cause would them to lose your love. Not all the time, but sometimes, a child’s tantrums have more to do with fear of your disapproval than sheer willfulness. Even if you have a kid who likes to test, tease, or troll you, they still need reassurance.

Human beings are complex and fascinating creatures. It takes us time to grow and mature. The foundation for our intellectual growth is emotional well-being, and the foundation of our emotional well-being is love. No one can ever have too much of it.