You don't have to do more

Elephant parents don’t care where their children go to college. (Image by Marna Buys)

Lately, everyone I talk to feels like they should be doing more.

There’s a sense of guilt over who we could be vs. who we are.

But all we really are obligated to do is stay alive. We’ve got to eat and sleep and bathe.

Then we have responsibilities to the people depending on us: our pets and minor children. And we need to hold up our end of the bargain in our committed relationships.

We probably have to find some way to pay our bills so that the cycle can continue, so we have to follow through on our work obligations.

And that’s basically it, my friends. Everything else is extra.

When we strip it down to the essentials, we get to decide what we want to add back in. And as you contemplate what to include, notice whose voice is in your head telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. It’s probably not yours. It’s probably a parent or teacher or some other authority figure from your past, spectrally guiding you toward something that may not at all be what you want, or away from something that brings you joy. You can choose whether to obey or not.

Jasmine’s mother told her to never leave the house without earrings. Matt’s father told him he should forgo music and get a business degree. Kate’s grandmother told her to stand up straight. Beth’s parents said she had to go to college, period. Alan’s English teacher told him he would never be a good writer. Barry heard from earliest childhood how special he was, destined for great things.

Thanks to my mother, I am unable to watch a movie indoors on a sunny day without feeling like I’m breaking the law. That doesn’t cramp my style too much, but for some of us, these messages are insidious and destructive. I know so many people who, deep down, believe that having a family and providing for them isn’t enough. They have to change the world in some way. They’re supposed to develop their God-given talents and live up to their potential. And if they don’t know how to go about it, they feel like there is something wrong with them.

There are certainly times when it’s our own voice telling us there must be more, exhorting us to explore untapped possibilities and create something new. Sometimes this voice carries considerable urgency. Sometimes it keeps us awake at night.

I know what that voice sounds like. That voice is why I have this blog. But that voice needs to know its place. There are days when I need to stand in line at some government office or drive out of my way for an appointment or take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. It’s okay for me to ignore that voice sometimes and take a break from being creative and inspired and actualized. Sometimes, I’m just living in the world of what is instead of the world of what could be. That’s perfectly acceptable. I trust that, when I’m ready to listen to it, that voice will return.

I’ll listen to the voices that are helpful and generous, no matter where they come from. I’ll listen to my uncle telling me that there is no valid objective measurement of a human life. I’ll listen to my friend Thornton suggesting that I can turn a pile of crap into fertilizer. I’ll listen to my mom reminding me to “follow the breadcrumbs” and allow myself to be guided by my intuition. But if a voice starts telling me that I’m not enough—that I need to do more and achieve more to be worthy—I’m changing the channel. That’s not helpful and it’s not generous, even if it motivates me to be the best. It’s too high a price to pay.

So on the days when all I can do is the bare minimum—and there have been more of those than usual lately—that’s fine. The minimum is all I’m truly obliged to do. Everything else is a bonus, and I can participate if I want. If I don’t, it’s all right. I don’t have to do more. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, not even the voices of the past.