“I understand if this doesn’t work for you.”

If you choose to take the bus, you have to go where it goes. (John Margolies, Library of Congress)

Now that the Little Middle School has closed, I can share some stories that I haven’t shared publicly before.

They’re not so bad, it’s just that now I don’t have to worry about how they reflect on the program.

Here’s one: Some unspecified amount of time ago, I received an email from a parent of one of my students, listing all of the things that she thought we should be doing differently.

Without grades and tests, in her view, we were not preparing her daughter adequately for the rigors of high school. Plus, our assignments should be more demanding and there should be more of them.

At first, I jumped into feedback reception mode. This was useful perspective.

And then I went into problem-solving mode. What additional resources could we add to ensure that this person’s daughter had everything she needed to be successful in high school, according to her expectations?

And then I went into customer service mode. What could I say and do to take care of this client? How could I communicate in such a way that she would feel heard? How might I follow up to give her the confidence that we were addressing her concerns?

And then...I stopped.

I took a moment to consider my program: its budget, its vision, its priorities.

I considered my actions: Had I made promises that I wasn’t following through on? Had I squandered or misappropriated my resources?

I concluded that I was offering exactly what I had said that I would, and that every dollar of the budget was being put to its highest and best use.

We had no additional resources to try to offer something else or something more.

So instead of trying to placate this client — instead of trying to be better and do better on command, as was my habit — I went back to her with the truth: We are what we are, we are not going to change into what you want us to be, and I understand if this doesn’t work for you.

It had been her choice to participate in our program, and she could leave if it wasn’t what she wanted. That wasn’t cruel or dismissive of me to acknowledge — it was generous. I didn’t have the means to address her desires and still serve the rest of our students. I was helping her to see that what she wanted didn’t match what I was offering, and maybe she could find it somewhere else instead of feeling trapped into this relationship.

This shift transformed my life. Yes, I’m open to feedback, but my identity is not subject to discussion. I stand for something already. I have invested in certain areas. I can’t change to please people. I don’t have to and I don’t want to.

How much time did I waste trying to justify everything that I was doing as a business owner to people who just wanted me to give them what they wanted?

They can do whatever they want, and so can I. I’m not forcing them to be a client of mine and I have no responsibility to listen to how they think that I should run my business.

It took me a really long time to figure this out, but figuring it out and putting it into practice has saved me many many hours and lots of emotional energy.

I used to get so rattled over people questioning my decisions that it would ruin my night and I’d spend hours composing a response in my head to some silly email. Now, it only takes a minute or two, and now that I am confident in my own choices, it’s a lot easier to be kind instead of defensive.

I own my choices and they can own theirs. That’s the beautiful freedom we all have in business and commerce. And, to the extent that we realize it, in the rest of our lives.