The approval you’re never going to get

The people left behind in the cities of the Eastern United States probably thought the pioneers were crazy. (Westward the Course of Empire Takes Its Way, 1860, Emanuel Leutze, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons)

A friend of mine, a stay-at-home mom, is locked into a perpetual battle with her career-oriented sister-in-law.

“You’re so lucky that you were able to stay home,” said the sister-in-law. “We never could have afforded it.”

My friend seethed. “It wasn’t luck!” she told me. “We sacrificed. She could have, too.”

She wants her sister-in-law to acknowledge the nobility of her choice to stay home with her kids. The rightness of it.

But her sister-in-law can never do that. To do so would be to suggest that she, herself, was wrong for working outside the home and hiring a nanny for her child. No mother is going to agree with that assessment.

Therefore, the sister-in-law will never validate my friend the way she wants. Their beliefs and values are incompatible. Unfortunately, the sister-in-law is the person my friend most wants validation from — she’s the one who triggers her insecurity the most.

This ironic dance seems to be very common. The single person wants their choices to be acknowledged and valued by the married couples. The gay son wants his bigoted parents to approve of his partner. The freelancer wants her besuited corporate friends to take her career seriously.

And we all want to prove that teacher wrong who told us we didn’t have the talent or smarts.

A little righteous anger can fuel some valuable achievements. But we have to accept that the person whose approval or admiration we most desire may be the person from whom we are least likely to get it.

Our values don’t match theirs. They are invested in the idea that they are right and we are wrong. They just don’t like our dance moves. Whatever it is, we’re probably not going to win them over. And that’s about them, not about us.

It can be scary and weird when the people we care about don’t get us. If they don’t get us, who will? Are we wrong for being into what we’re into?

When the things we love are dismissed by those we love, we have to find a way to give ourselves the validation and approval we’re looking for. We might have to find the people out there who have similar experiences, especially those who may be further down the path than we are. We can learn from their failures and victories and exchange the kind of support and encouragement that we need. We can empower each other to live the way we want, without fear or apology.

I am glad to be living in a time when it’s easy to connect with other business owners who share my values. I’m grateful that I am able to experience mutual support with other women who have struggled with infertility. I’m thrilled to easily find tennis partners in my area. For every moment in which I’ve felt alone in what I stand for or believe, there’s another in which I’ve “come home” to the people who understand. It’s a precious thing.

It doesn’t make sense to seek advice or comfort from a student for my teacher woes, or from an employee for my boss problems. I’m not going to receive applause and adulation from people who, at best, can’t relate to me and at worst, are actively against me.

That doesn’t mean I’m wrong or bad to do what I do, or that the other party is wrong or bad. We’re just not aligned, and that’s not a problem. No solution needs to be forced or alliance forged. Our perspectives are simply incompatible.

It’s hard not to take it personally when the issue is so personal. But when we let go of needing the approval we’re never going to get, we might find it easier to get along.