Taming a tendency

You might impress onlookers with your ability to lasso your demons, but what do you do with the demons once you’ve caught them? (British Library)

I am changing.

Just recently, I made a series of decisions that were radically different from those I would have made in the past, setting me on a new path.

While I can't trace this shift to one particular source, I believe that it's the result of attending conferences, reading books, having stimulating and challenging conversations, watching videos, and listening to podcasts—in short, encountering a constant stream of new ideas that are altering my mental landscape.

What is it that made me want to seek out the conferences, conversations, and various media? Mostly, I'm following my interests. I didn't set out to solve a specific problem by making use of specific resources.

In fact, the pattern I'm changing is one that I hadn't consciously identified as problematic. I hadn't previously seen the degree to which this pattern was contributing to my difficulties, and now I do. The impact of correcting it will be profound.

I have always tended toward expansion. I act on new ideas, I hire new people, and I sign up for new projects. I usually assume that things will work out, and they usually do. But I am developing a higher standard for the results I expect and a lower tolerance for chaos and uncertainty. I cannot expand infinitely. I can no longer say yes to everything and everyone all the time.

And this part is especially new: I can no longer afford to wait until things taper or wrap up on their own. I have to take action to end them.

I didn't always see that I had the power to start and end things. A given project felt like a giant locomotive: impossible to get going on my own, and equally impossible to bring to a halt once it gathered momentum.

Now, however, I see my responsibility in a different way. I understand that I'm more powerful than I had given myself credit for, and accountable for more than I had been willing to acknowledge.

Learning from the experiences of others—whether through direct interaction or through what they write and share—has helped me to see the things I do that would otherwise be invisible. My prior ignorance is understandable, but once I know what I've got to do, I've got to do it. If I don't, I am risking a lapse in integrity.

Taming a tendency is difficult. Our patterns of thought and behavior exist because, on some level, they're working for us. Disrupting them is painful. We can only hope that what's waiting for us on the other side is an improvement. No matter what, though, the choice to change a habit will be an opportunity for growth, which is always a net positive.

It's getting easier to see some of the patterns I've left behind when I see them in other people. I can imagine that other people can see their discarded habits and beliefs in me. We can all learn from each other and help each other to advance. I can lend a hand to those who are struggling where I am no longer struggling, and I can receive help and guidance from the people who have figured out the thing I'm having a hard time with. Traveling the path together makes it easier to hang in there when the going is rough.

I'm fascinated by what I can get a handle on today that was once out of my grasp. I'm intrigued by what's next, whatever it is and whenever it arrives. It may be tough to give up on a crutch I've come to depend on or a belief I thought I'd carry forever. With your help and example, I can do it. And maybe I can do the same for you.