It used to be very difficult for me to send out a mass email to my clients. Whether I was sharing information about my policies, giving them details about an event, or offering a new service, I was deeply concerned about what they would think.

Not just they — They.

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A young man had a big dream. He wanted to leave his job and create a business that would sustain him. He was afraid of failing.

I asked him how he would define failure — and success. After all, if you know what you are going for and what you’re trying to avoid, you can create a vision for the future and a map that will help you find your way.

To my surprise, he defined failure as an inability to make the business replace his day job within a tight time frame (I think it was six months).

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When educators and coaches talk about the benefits of failure, we’re not talking about creating a $200 million film that’s a flop at the box office, launching a startup that uses all your life savings and runs up $100K on your credit card, or running for president and losing.

I suppose those failures build character, but those kinds of “place all your eggs in one basket” failures distract from the everyday struggles that really make the difference in our success. These are the failures in which we’re risking our self-concept and ego, as opposed to money and prestige.

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We begin as helpless creatures who can’t do anything.

As we grow, we add skills and responsibilities. Wake up, brush your teeth, eat your breakfast, tie your shoes, go to school.

Many of these “must do” tasks are never released — they become part of our lives forever. That’s why it’s incredibly important to question, every so often, whether we truly have to do the things we think we do and reevaluate our commitments.

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It’s a phrase I was used to hearing from my siblings, my classmates, and from myself as a child. But I couldn’t believe I was hearing it (or a version of it, anyway) on an expensive coaching call.

“I appreciate the suggestion, but I don’t think that will work for me because…”

Despite the politeness, the statement amounted to a much uglier one: “Despite the fact that you’re an expert to whom I’m paying thousands of dollars, I don’t want to take your advice.”

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