Who is your "They"?

Some people will pay to see a fight. It’s safer when it’s in the ring. (State Library of New South Wales)

It used to be very difficult for me to send out a mass email to my clients. Whether I was sharing information about my policies, giving them details about an event, or offering a new service, I was deeply concerned about what they would think.

Not just they — They.

What would They say about me? Would They quit? Would They roll their eyes and hit delete? Would They make passive-aggressive — or openly aggressive — comments? Would They think my ideas were stupid? Would They think I was a bad influence on their children? I was full of anxiety about how They would react. It could be paralyzing at times.

On the other hand, I had good relationships with my clients, the parents of my music students, as individuals. Some of them were a bit intimidating and brusque, but others were friendly and warm, no matter how wealthy and powerful they were.

Eventually, I had to ask myself, “Who is ‘They’?” Which individual(s) was I so afraid of when I’m wanting to do something bold like raise my rates, take a week off, or develop new programming?

I didn’t have to think too long for an answer. There were two mothers who were particularly shrewd. They weren’t mean — I didn’t have any jerks for clients — but I knew that they wouldn’t hesitate to question my choices if they didn’t like what I was doing.

So out of thirty or so families, there were two whose respective matriarchs were more inclined to call me out. When my cursor hesitated over the “send” button, it was these two I was really thinking of. The “They” wasn’t a giant crowd; it was two people.

I considered this. While I respected these two women and valued their opinions, I was not likely to go back on a decision just because they didn’t like it. And if they each made the decision to leave my studio, I could still survive.

Once I realized that my “They” wasn’t a faceless collective but a couple of human beings, it didn’t have as much power. In the moment of anxiety before making an announcement, I could consciously remind myself that the scary “They” was just Jill and Val. I could handle them.

Over the years, the “They” has changed. Sometimes, I don’t actually know the individuals who will be seeing my work. When you publish something on the web, perform in a club, or hang a poster on the street, it could be anyone. However, it’s gotten easier to remember that the audience, no matter how big or unknowable, is made up of individuals. Some will like my work; some won’t. While I always want to be receptive to feedback, it’s okay if not everyone likes what I do or create. I don’t have to fear them, avoid them, or hide from them. They are just “they” — they don’t have to have power over me.

Consciously letting go of the need to please — or the fear of not pleasing — certain individuals has released me from the fear of what They think. I don’t even have to worry about what “they” think. It’s made it a lot easier to make stuff and get it out into the world.

Do you think it could work for you? Who is your “They”? What are you afraid of? What power do they hold over you? What might happen if you took action anyway, even if They might not approve?