When you don't wanna

Take yourself where you want to go. (Image by Jill Wellington)

“I’m sooooo full!” said the ten-year-old at the dinner table, groaning theatrically. A moment later, she perked up. “What’s for dessert?”

Obviously, the special dessert compartment in her stomach still had room. Been there!

I can relate to the child’s situation metaphorically as well as literally. Martha Beck, in her book Finding Your Own North Star, points out that we sometimes find ourselves feeling ill or sleepy when we’re doing something we don’t want to do, yet our symptoms of malaise and fatigue magically clear when we’re doing something that we find fun and engaging.

In Beck’s view, such somatic signals are clues that tell us whether we’re connected to our essential self while we seek to claim “the life we were meant to live.” However, if you subscribe to the notion that the life you were meant to leave is, by definition, the one you’re already living, these signs from the body can be used on a much more practical level to guide us through our daily lives.

This guidance from our bodies can be used in two ways:

First, as valuable information that tells us when it’s time to switch things up and take a break to eat, sleep, exercise, cuddle, laugh, dance, or do some other nourishing activity.

Second, as evidence that we are facing a challenge that we are afraid of and should lean into.

Ha! So how do we know which is which?

My advice is to keep things light and experiment, as long as you don’t quit at the moment when it's most painful. Wait until a less critical moment. As you get to know your own tendencies, you’ll get a better handle on when it’s the right time to take a break and when it’s time to lean in.

For instance, there’s always a moment when I am writing an article when I feel like I can’t keep going. I think, “Maybe I should leave this for another day,” or even, “Maybe I should switch to a different topic.” I might feel hungry, sleepy, or bored. It’s always about 250 to 350 words in. At that moment, I pause for a minute or two and stare off into space, get a snack or check my messages. After that, I get back into writing, knowing from experience that I can push through to the other side within an hour.

On the other hand, there’s a similar moment during email time when I feel fatigued. After twenty or thirty minutes of making decisions and responding to emails, I begin to feel as though I cannot keep going. From experience, I have learned that pushing through this feeling will not bring me back to the smooth efficiency I began with. It’s much better to switch to a completely different activity and return to email much later.

This may seem obvious to you, and if you reflect on your own work habits you may see that you’re already highly effective at managing your time and energy. You may not be fooled by the sudden sleepiness that overtakes you when you have to fill out a long and ugly form or do a repetitive task — you grab a cup of coffee and push through. Likewise, you quit for the day before you begin to feel frustration and hopelessness.

If so, that’s great! Our next responsibility is to help children and adolescents develop an awareness of their own tendencies so that they can accommodate and exploit them as needed.

Sure, it helps those of us who mentor young people to recognize these things, too. It’s amazing how many kids get a headache or stomachache right at the start of math class or just when it’s time to clean the bathroom, isn’t it? However, we adults should resist the temptation to handle these issues punitively. Instead, we should take advantage of the opportunity to share the magic that can happen when you push through a bit of discomfort to accomplish something you weren’t sure you could do, along with the equally important lesson that it’s okay to take breaks and leave the next challenge for the next day.

We don’t always get this right, whether for ourselves or for the kids we teach, coach, or parent. Sometimes we push too far, and sometimes we take the easy way out. Calibrating our effort and noticing the nuances of our attention and energy takes practice. However, the efforts that we make in this direction can make the difference between misery and joy, between shame and pride.

Keep trying — and when in doubt, take a nap or a walk. Or push through — whatever works for you.