You don't have to, but you could
Horses perform better when they’re fed and watered. And I bet they are happier. (Museum of Photographic Arts)
When I’m experiencing a bunch of negative emotions around something I have to do, I stop fighting it.
I just let myself take a break and give myself permission to not do the thing, if it’s really going to be that big a deal.
Neither my identity nor my worthiness is on the line. Okay, maybe I’ll let someone down. Maybe I’ll let myself down. But so be it.
Of course, once I finally stop arguing with myself, there’s no one to argue with. There’s no drama. The stakes are lowered. And you know what happens? It may take ten minutes or an hour or a day, but I will probably start feeling like doing the thing. I’m easier to manipulate than a toddler.
I know this isn’t true for everyone, all the time. There might be reasons for resistance that are grounded in deep-seated habits or even trauma. Sometimes, we’re physically, emotionally, or mentally unable to perform the task at hand, and just taking a break for a bit isn’t going to fix that. If you need professional support, the ideas and tactics on my dumb old blog aren’t helpful.
However, if you find yourself simply having a garden-variety temper tantrum—a cleverly disguised, grown-up version of “I don’t wanna and you can’t make me!”—the change of direction may be just the thing. “Okay, then,” you say. “You don’t have to.”
When I do this, the balloon of anger and resentment completely deflates. Now I can eat what I want, buy what I want, and do what I want. I can play hooky. I can do the bare minimum to keep myself alive.
That gets me revisiting my choices and reevaluating my wants. Like the kid whose parents aren’t around, it’s the moment of truth: Will she wear the seatbelt? Will she skip the cigarettes? Will she watch the adult content?
Boringly, if there’s nothing to rebel against, one might as well do the right thing. It didn’t take me too long, set loose in the university dining halls, to realize that having unlimited access to all of the breakfast cereals that had been accessible only at friends’ houses throughout my childhood wasn’t actually that exciting. Lucky Charms are appealing when compared to Corn Flakes but not when ranked against all possible breakfast foods. And they make you feel like crap at your morning classes. Disappointing, but inevitable.
Other stuff is pretty much the same. Sure, I can refuse to fill out certain paperwork, but I’m only hurting myself. I can skip the social engagements, but I don’t want to miss out or hurt a friend’s feelings. That said, that’s not where I expect myself to begin. These insights land differently once I’ve given myself permission to not do the thing. And after that, a different voice, a kind, understanding grown-up voice, takes over. “Okay,” I say. “I’ve had a nice break watching [crap show] and eating [crap food]. Time to tackle some email!” And often, I’m good with that. I’m ready.
So many of us hound and pound ourselves into submission, refusing to give an inch. Maybe we even do the same with our kids. It’s a bit scary to take off the leash and let ourselves run wild. But we might be better trained than we think. Maybe, like the indoor cat who finally escapes only to turn around and go back in again, we might find that we don’t need as much freedom as we thought. Or, we realize that we do, and start making bigger changes to our life. Either way, we’re not wrong, bad, or hopeless.
Whatever the thing is that you’re avoiding and dreading, you don’t have to do it. And once you let yourself embrace this truth, you might find that you could just do the dreaded thing without a whole lot of fuss. You don’t have to! But you could. Maybe you will. As always, it’s up to you.
