Drop the rope

I showed up to Jalil’s house as usual for our tutoring session.

Right away, I could see that he was in a dark place — for an eight-year-old. The cheeky smile I always see when I walk in was replaced by a scowl. No eye contact. “He’s in a mood,” his mom said.

I knew we had a lot to do — reading, science, writing. We made it to the room where our lessons take place, but once we got there, Jalil remained sullen, just rolling a ball around.

We’d been through this routine before, even though I knew Jalil looked forward to our sessions. On the best days, we’d laugh and joke and make homework as fun as we could. But on the bad days, it was bad — like a storm that comes up so quickly that you’re caught without an umbrella.

I tried an exercise to help Jalil focus on things he enjoys. I attempted to distract him with different tasks. I offered choices. I started without him and hoped that he would join me. I was gentle but firm. I was stern but kind. He didn’t budge.

And then I thought to myself, “Why am I working so hard? Why am I coaxing? Why am I dragging him along?”

I said, “You know what? If you don’t want to learn with me, I guess I just need to go home.”

He said, “Okay, I’ll read.” He got out a book and started reading.

I guess it was that easy. But I was prepared to follow through and leave — and I think he knew that.

Maybe it’s not that easy when you actually live with the kid who's driving you nuts. Maybe the thing you’re trying to get them to do is a matter of life and death (like taking a medicine). I’m not saying that I have the solution to every problem.

But what would it take for you to let go of the situation — or your attachment to the outcome? What happens when you stop trying to meet someone more than halfway? What happens when you stop trying to help someone achieve something you want more than they do?

If you’re tired of pulling someone, drop your end of the rope.

Let go. Do what works for you. Be your authentic self (or figure out what that is, if you’ve forgotten).

You may be giving the person at the other end of the rope the opportunity to do that, too. They may surprise you.