When you can't make your dreams come true
“We don't need a legacy/We don't need money/If I could grant you peace of mind…” - Lin-Manuel Miranda (Image by 二 盧)
Even though we were contemporaries from the same state, I never heard of Travis Roy until a couple of years ago when I was sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Ohio and got distracted by a documentary on one of the screens on the wall.
Travis Roy was a talented hockey player who was paralyzed in a tragic accident in the first few seconds of his debut on the men’s ice hockey team at Boston University in 1995. Roy went on to graduate from BU and create a foundation for spinal injury research and support for spinal injury survivors. He passed away just a few days ago at age 45.
What do you do when you lose everything you love? When you’ve followed your passion to the end of the road, and pursuing it further is impossible? Travis Roy, at a very young age, dealt with an unimaginable hardship with grace and acceptance, looking outside of his own pain to leave a meaningful legacy.
In much of the self-help literature and business books of the world, there is an emphasis on achievement and pursuing your goals. To make your dreams happen, you’ve got to believe in yourself and challenge yourself and never settle. You’ve got to push past the obstacles and prevail.
But after eight months of plans on hold, some of that rhetoric doesn’t quite apply.
If your dream was a gold medal at the 2020 Summer Olympics, too bad. No amount of training can overcome the obstacle of a global pandemic.
Even in normal, non-COVID circumstances, the dreams and aspirations we hold will butt up against reality. We might put our plans on hold to care for someone in need. We have to put a new roof on the house instead of going on the trip of a lifetime. And inevitably, we get older and confront the limitations of our physical bodies.
It’s easy to admire people who have a long list of awards and accolades. Of course we aspire to be like that.
On the other hand, I’m in awe of people who let go of a deeply-held dream to embrace their circumstances. I have a deep admiration for those who will never reach the heights of fame and fortune but are able to find peace and meaning in their lives, even in the midst of profound suffering.
One family member, for health reasons, has had to give up on the dream of a large family. She focuses on gratitude for what she has, including a beautiful daughter.
Another family member lost two of her three children as young adults. Now, her husband has cancer. She’s living and appreciating every day as it comes, enjoying her work, time with family, and the moments of joy and connection that are still possible even in the midst of the pandemic.
It’s safe to say that life doesn’t always go the way we hope it will. And while it’s praiseworthy to summon the fortitude to overcome these setbacks and still achieve your dreams, it’s also a highly valuable skill to be able to let go of those dreams. To be able to reconcile the life you thought you might have with the one that you ended up with, and find joy and satisfaction in it — that is a meaningful accomplishment in itself.
This notion may seem heretical to success-oriented people who fill each day with the pursuit of excellence and seek to keep thoughts of failure from entering their minds. Understandable, but I would argue that we do need to develop the ability to cope when things don’t work. It’s a highly useful skill, one that most of us are going to have to engage at some point.
At some point, you may face a crossroads in your life where the thing you want most is out of reach. Perhaps that’s happening right now, in the midst of the pandemic. Like Travis Roy, I hope you are able to find the courage, strength, and the support of others to discover new dreams to keep you going. Maybe it could be enough.
