How do you know when to quit and when to keep going?

The rhododendrons I planted last June didn’t bloom this spring. I hope they try again next year. Maybe a little protection from the cold will do the trick. (Image by Ralphs_Fotos)

I recently started a new project. I’m not ready to talk about it publicly, but message me and I’ll share.

In this new project, I’m facing all of the terrible and uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.

You know the ones. Questions like: What if this is a waste of time? What if I look stupid? What if I do it wrong?

And the tricky invitations to self-sabotage, like “If I give up now, no one will notice,” and “This is too hard,” and “Maybe I can skip it this time,” and that old standby, “Everyone else is better at this than I am.”

I’d like to think that because I write about this kind of stuff every day and have been coaching other people on for years, I am somehow above it. Nope. When I calibrate the challenge to the correct level, I will struggle just as much as all of the six-year-old piano students, twelve-year-old math students, and fifty-year-old entrepreneurs I’ve worked with. I’m just as likely to whine and want to throw in the towel.

But I do have the benefit of perspective. Even though I’m still experiencing the icky feelings and unpleasant thoughts, I know how to work through them. I know, from watching so many people persist and get through to the other side, that I can do it, too.

I know that the main thing is just to not quit. You may feel like you’re going to die, but you actually won’t.

We feel like we’re going to die because that’s what the primitive part of our brain is telling us. Danger! But intellectually, we know that we are not in mortal peril. And that’s enough to help us make it through, though we may bitch and moan every step of the way (or is that just me?).

But how do we know whether it’s worth it? There are so many places where we could expend our energy. There are so many potential paths to take. The emotional and physical toll may be very high on some of them. How can we be sure that we’re going to get the results we’re looking for? How do we know when to quit and when to keep going?

My approach is by no means definitive, but I will share what I do. First, I choose things that are fun, interesting, stimulating, or otherwise enjoyable enough that even when I am having a hard time, I can get through them. And ideally, I try to frame the project as an experiment that has a defined beginning and end.

Then, as I proceed, I look for any encouraging signs that I possibly can. Improvement in my skill. Indications that what I’m doing is connecting with another person. Evidence that I’m inching closer to a goal, however far away the ultimate destination may seem.

I try to gain a little perspective. Is this a temporary struggle, or is this how it’s going to be forever? Are there resources out there, including other people, who can make the path a bit easier to tread?

And lastly, I weigh the consequences of quitting. Will the relief of being let off the hook be greater than the disappointment of not following through? Is there something else that I am longing to do with the energy that I would free up if I were to discontinue the current slog?

Considering all of these elements allows me to let go of certain projects intentionally and unapologetically while following through on others even when the going is rough. I can anticipate that there will be ups and downs, but when I have already decided that I’m going to weather them, I can.

When I do choose to quit, I try not to do it right away, in the midst of the greatest pain. I learned from running that going uphill is no time to make a call about whether to abort the mission — I have to wait and see how I feel when I get to the crest of the hill and am headed back down. At that point, if I still want to quit, I can.

And when I decide to stick it out after all, it means that I have now strengthened the choice to do the thing in the first place. After all, to continue is to choose “yes” once again. That gives me some extra strength to double down with a fresh resolve and confidence. Often, I can reap the rewards accordingly.

If you’re in the middle of a transition, questioning whether to press on or go home, think about whether you would choose this path again today. Consider whether there is anything or anyone that can help make it easier. Observe whether you are seeing any of the results you are looking for or any positive signs indicating that you are getting closer. And ask yourself how you would feel if you packed it in and tried something else.

Though you may have a strong impulse one way or the other, the truth is that there is no right or wrong path to take. Whatever you do, you’ll learn from the experience. If this journey isn’t the one you want, you can pick another. Quit, or don’t — you’ll still find your way.