The reframe
You know how we all have gifts that we take for granted because they're our gifts and therefore invisible to us?
Well, I'm starting to think that one of my gifts is reframing negative stories—particularly the ones people tell about themselves.
High-achieving people have a tendency to look only at their room for improvement. This focus on growth is a positive quality, but being unable to see or acknowledge the skills and strengths they've already gained is a distortion of reality that will prevent them from having the clarity they need to make decisions.
Through the lens of the perennial overachiever, even great progress can be perceived as failure. I always appreciate a chance to help to change that narrative.
Recently, I was working with a gifted manager. He told me that he isn't good at thinking on his feet. He doesn't process new information fast enough to be quick-witted or persuasive on the fly. Therefore, he wanted to do some preparation for an upcoming meeting with a new prospective client. When he tried to invite the sales team to work with him on this, he was rebuffed. They were happy just to wing it.
Afterward, this manager rued his own tongue-tied performance on the call and wished that he had had more information going into it. He was ready to accept that he had to get used to the sales team's style.
Are you seeing the opportunity to reframe the situation? As a matter of fact, this manager had the vision and know-how to transform his small company's sales process. He was capable of ensuring that, on future sales calls, prospective clients would be well-researched, the sales team would be informed, and there would be a pretty slide deck to go along with an actual presentation.
Whereas the sales team was coasting along on their strengths and getting mixed results, this manager was uniquely qualified to use his own strengths to balance theirs and significantly improve the group's collective results.
If a manager in this situation sees only his own room for improvement, he's going to miss the opportunity to contribute in a way that only he can.
Sometimes, people worry that radically reframing a situation is just a way of making themselves look good. They're concerned that it's a delusion, and the objective truth is that they're a loser.
I say that what matters is not whether we look good, but whether we feel good. Most of us, when feeling bad, shut down and don't want to try anymore. Feeling good might give us the strength to keep going. If we're deluded, at least that delusion will help us achieve a worthwhile aim.
I believe that it doesn't matter whether we've hit upon some objective truth when we say negative things about ourselves. By whose standard are we measuring? "I'm a bad cook" doesn't make me want to get back into the kitchen. Instead, I can say, "I'm learning and experimenting." It's a way better story, yet I would argue that it's no less valid.
In Capra's holiday classic, It’s a Wonderful Life, nothing in George Bailey's life actually changes as a result of what Clarence shows him. Rather, he sees his life differently, and that is enough for him to go from despair to hope. All he did was reframe the story.
True, we can hide behind stories that make it so we never have to change. But the best stories are the ones that inspire us to grow even as we appreciate who we've become. If the story you're telling yourself feels bad, what does the reframe sound like? Keep going until you find one that feels good.