The best thing they never did for me

“Someday, child, all this will be yours.” (Manele R., CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons)

I used to be frustrated that I didn’t have a lot of advice as a teenager about what to do with my education and career.

My parents didn’t really care whether I went to college (or if they had opinions, they didn’t express them). My guidance counselors were indifferent.

When I moved to Atlanta and started teaching music lessons, I encountered lots of kids whose parents were deeply involved in their choices. It was no surprise when those kids made impressive achievements in the arts, sports, and academics, got great internships, and went off to the best colleges and universities (the better to expand their already high-quality networks and create excellent job prospects for themselves).

Seeing these patterns made me wonder who I could have been if I had had that kind of support.

But many of these parents may have been too involved. Some had a vision for who they expected their child to be that didn’t necessarily match who they were. And some gave their offspring so much help that they were unable to cope well without it.

Some of these kids grew into adolescents and young adults who were uncertain and anxious, despite outward success.

Some didn’t feel as though their success was truly their own.

And some figured out how to shoo their parents away in order to forge their own paths.

I’m not here to criticize parents. For one thing, there isn’t one right way to do it. And for another, all of us need to forge our own path. Even if our parents did everything perfectly, they can’t predict the twists and turns we’ll experience as we write our own stories in life.

At this point, I’m grateful for the salutary neglect that I received as the oldest of four. Because after I took care of some basic chores, my time was my own and there were few expectations or requirements. There were no activities or extracurriculars I had to do to please somebody else. Nobody ever checked my homework.

Thus, I was the one who took responsibility for my own learning and the consequences of my own actions. I got to claim credit for my achievements. And even though it would have been nice to have a leg up in my early adulthood, I wouldn’t trade what I have or how I got it.

Naturally, as I became aware that others grew up with more privileges than I did, I also learned that some people had far less — not only in terms of having their material needs met, but also with respect to their emotional needs. I grew up in a home where I felt safe, loved, and seen. I was taught that I mattered. I was accepted for who I am. That’s worth more than just about anything.

I’m sure that there are people out there who had all of the above: Family means, emotional support, guidance, and connections.

But to an extent, the core message of “you are okay just as you are” doesn’t mesh well with, “don’t you think you should be working on bringing your science grade up?” or “are you sure dropping out of school is the right move?” Expectations are expectations, and my parents somehow kept theirs to themselves. While I can’t go back and do it differently to compare, I think their restraint had a profound positive impact on my life.

My parents’ lack of intervention meant that I may have lacked some advantages that others had, but it also gave me a head start when it came to figuring out what I wanted out of life. I didn’t have to separate what they wanted from me or who they thought I was from what I wanted for myself and who I wanted to be.

I guess there’s no way around the struggle of learning who we are. Maybe we just hit it at different points based on our circumstances. When I was in the middle of it, I wished that I could have someone else’s situation, but now that I’m on the other side, I am content. I’m as happy with what I didn’t get as I am with what I have.