I don't negotiate against myself, and here's why

It’s good to be in the walk-away position. (John Margolis, Library of Congress)

When approached with criticism over Hamilton’s use of people of color to tell the stories of white people (including slave owners), actor Leslie Odom, Jr., who won a Tony and a Grammy for his role as Aaron Burr, issued a challenge to the next generation:

Here’s what I know. Lin wrote the story that was on his heart to write. I signed on to be a part of the show that I believed in. That was our leg of the race. Now it’s your turn.

I love this. You want it to be different, kid? Then get out and do it. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make the art you want to see.

I haven’t been part of the creation of any groundbreaking works of musical theater. However, I do get criticized from time to time. People don’t always want what I’ve offered them. Like Leslie Odom Jr., I’ve had to flip things around. I’ve realized that I’m not responsible for what someone else wants. Sometimes, the most helpful thing I can do is remind them that they are.

From time to time, I’ll get a call related to one of my businesses, wondering if I can offer a lower price. “Okay,” I said. “Tell me what you can afford, and I’ll consider it.” Rarely does anyone come back with a figure in mind. They want me to do the work of coming up with an alternative to the tuition or pricing I’ve devised. But I don’t negotiate against myself. That is their work to do.

I’ve also encountered this dynamic when making a job offer. “It’s just not enough. I have a master’s degree.”

“Okay,” I’ll say. “Feel free to make a counter offer.” I already came up with an offer I thought was fair. I don’t negotiate against myself.

“What can you do for us?” It’s a question that comes up a lot in business, for me and for my clients. When it comes to salaries, settling debts, and making deals, terms and pricing are negotiable. And when people don’t know how to play the game or think that you don’t know how to play the game, they might approach that interaction passively. But I already asked for what I wanted. If you want something else, you have to ask for it, and I’m free to accept, decline, or counter your counter. Whining doesn’t work.

The same dynamic is in play when kids complain about the decisions of the adults who rule their lives. Whereas whining lowers their status, I will always listen to a well-reasoned argument from one of my students. That’s how the Little Middle School students earned back the privilege of bringing in their Nintendo Switches for after school tournaments. I forget why they lost that privilege in the first place, but it wasn’t arbitrary. There’s always a reason for my position. I’m not going to just change my mind because someone wants me to. I’m not a tyrant, but they have to make their case.

It took years for me to learn that someone’s criticism of me doesn’t mean that I’m wrong or need to change. It could just be that we want different things. Feedback is really important, and sometimes its message is that I need a better filter for choosing compatible clients and close associates. I have learned to say, “I’m not sure we can offer what you’re asking for. It sounds like this might not be a fit for you,” and mean it, without rancor or passive-aggression. The truth is freeing.

I am responsible for following through on the promises I’ve made, and I’m learning how to be more clear up front about what I can deliver on and what I can’t. Otherwise, people will project their hopes onto me and be disappointed when I don’t match their fantasy. It’s happened before.

It’s painful to let people down. It’s uncomfortable to be criticized. It’s hard to get clear about what you stand for and then state it unequivocally. Not everyone is going to like it. However, pleasing someone just to end a difficult conversation is not going to satisfy anyone in the long term. Avoiding criticism leads to bad business decisions, bad art, and spoiled kids. When you stick to your principles and follow through on what you believe in, it’s better for you in the long run, and it’s also better for everyone else. Better to know now that it’s not a fit.

I’m open to negotiation on lots of things. However, I’m not going to play both sides. Whatever the other party is looking for, they have to step up and advocate for it. Not only is this a useful skill, it’s also profoundly clarifying. When you figure out exactly what you want and need, it’s a lot easier to get it. And maybe they will realize they don’t even need to get it from the powers that be. Maybe all those kids who think Lin-Manuel Miranda should have written a different musical, or that their legislators should vote differently, or that their job is stultifying and inhumane will take matters into their own hands. I can’t wait to see what they come up with.