A trait is not a flaw
Rain isn’t worse than fair weather. It’s just different. (Image by Pexels)
I was once in a relationship with someone who, I see in retrospect, didn’t like me all that much.
He would point out aspects of my personality or habits, like how long it takes me to leave a party, my sleepiness late in the evening, or my tendency to focus obsessively on a skill I’m trying to master, with a critical eye.
It took me a long time to realize that a lot of the things that he brought to my attention weren’t necessarily defects I had to fix. They were simply traits, neither good nor bad.
Am I perfect? Nope, not by a long shot. But there’s a difference between a character flaw (for instance, chronic lateness) and a character trait (say, being friendly with strangers).
Like everyone, I do try to work to diminish or manage my character flaws. But I have to draw the line at changing who I am.
I freely admit that many of my traits are potentially irritating or frustrating. Not everyone likes me — but not everyone has to.
Virtually every trait has a positive application in addition to a potentially negative one. Whether we see traits as desirable or terrible is a matter of preference and context. In Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love, the author spends a few months on an ashram. She wants to be “the quiet girl” whom everyone admires for her beatific silence and capacity for introspection. But in reality, Gilbert is a talkative, compulsively friendly extrovert who is chosen to be a hostess and greeter — the one person who is allowed to speak during a silent meditation retreat. Naturally, she easily excels in this role. We are who we are, and we are at our best when we develop the traits we have instead of trying to suppress them.
Many of us are so used to apologizing for our traits that we have come to reflexively perceive them as flaws. “Oh, sorry — I just ask a lot of questions when I’m really interested in something.” It’s worth taking a moment to wonder where this came from. Maybe someone from our past found this trait annoying or inconvenient — that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad. It doesn’t mean we’re wrong or bad.
Recognizing that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved was a major “aha” for me. Not only do I not have to change my fundamental traits, I don’t even have to fix all my flaws. This sense of security, ironically, makes me much more receptive to feedback from people I admire and care about. I can more clearly see the things that I have to work on, and I have the emotional energy to tackle them when my worth as a person isn’t on the line.
Well-meaning adults may believe that they’re doing kids a favor when they try to “sand down their rough edges” and guide them toward becoming well-rounded model citizens. But small children have identities already. Some of us don’t like to get our hands dirty. Some of us struggle with a change in routine. Some of us are wary of new people. Some of us have strong preferences, while some of us go with the flow. None of us need to be fixed.
I’m grateful to the people who love me for being me, not an idealized version of me. I have flaws, sure, but they don’t erase my strengths. And even as I work on improving and growing as a person, I’m learning to embrace my traits and make the most of them. I’m done apologizing for them. A trait is not a flaw.
What about you? Do you have any traits that you feel self-conscious about? Is there a way to reframe this for yourself? What if nothing’s wrong with you?