The myth of worthiness
"We have to give all of these hearts out by lunchtime, Tiffany. Stop being so picky!" (Nasjonalbiblioteket)
When I was single, I heard it and read it over and over. I saw it represented in movies and TV shows.
It was the idea that, if I worked on myself enough and learned to be "okay with being alone," I would be ready for a relationship, and the perfect mate (eww, mate — that word is the worst) would show up.
Also omnipresent in my single life (perhaps I read too many self-help books back then) was the idea that I had to love myself before I was capable of loving others. I had to master the art of self-acceptance in order to accept the love of another.
Nah.
The truth was that there was absolutely nothing I needed to do in order to be ready for a relationship. I could have easily gone out and found myself a crummy one for sure. And being in a relationship doesn’t mean I am at the pinnacle of self-actualization.
None of us is being tested by spirit guides or whatever. If you just keep on living your life, you might find love, or you might not. You’re no more or less worthy of love than anyone else. You don’t need to do anything to earn a relationship. It's not a prize. It's just one path, among many, to tread.
A similar weirdness exists with regard to Finding Your True Calling. Finding one's calling supposedly requires identifying your passions, and then, if your belief is strong enough, if you are willing to give it everything you've got and let go of all self-doubt and believe in the abundance of the universe, you can make money doing the thing that you're passionate about.
Okay, I believe in an abundant universe. I believe in following your passions. And I really do believe that we create more of our circumstances than seems logically possible.
But a successful business is not the result of wishing and hoping. You've got to have actual skills. Not only do you have to know how to do or make or acquire whatever it is you're selling, you have to know how (or find and pay someone else who knows how) to set prices and create policies and a million other boring little things. It's not a game.
The myth of worthiness exists in our careers just as it does in our romances: If you don't have it, it's because you don't want it badly enough. You're not ready for it. You've got to work on yourself.
Yes, in order to make something work, you have to get out of your own way. If you think, "She'll never be into me," then you'll sabotage your chance at a relationship. Likewise, if you say to yourself, "Why would anyone pay for my services?," you will talk yourself out of sale after sale.
But it's destructive to spread the idea that there is this benevolent force that is waiting to drop a successful business (or relationship) in your lap if only you will believe in yourself. Because this means that if you fail, the problem is you, yourself. It means there's nothing you can do to improve your lot.
A second issue is the idea that working for yourself is the noble path to self-actualization. Even if it is, it's not the only one (as countless doctors, scientists, teachers, social workers, and monks prove every day). Start your own shop if you want to, but not because it's better than being an employee. It's just another way to go.
Inherent in the myth of worthiness is the problem of entitlement. Nobody owes you a relationship just because you've learned to love and accept yourself. And nobody owes you a successful business, either. I can't expect that just because my passion is creating TikToks of myself hula-hooping while singing Victorian-era pop songs, I will find a market for that. Yet this attitude of "learn to make money doing what you love" persists.
Business is about finding out where your skills and resources meet the market's needs and wants. It's not about being worthy, and it's not about self-actualization. Lots of icky people have been huge successes in business. These people chose not to concern themselves with their life's purpose or service to humanity as they rolled around on their giant piles of money. Worthiness and success aren't aligned in such a simplistic way.
A business is not your soul mate. Not even your soul mate is your soul mate. Opportunities come into our lives in a myriad ways; some are earned through hard work, and some are not. Work on yourself, sure — develop your talents and skills. Use them to offer a product or service to the public, or to work for an organization. It's up to you, and your worthiness need never be called into question.
