Letting go of the way you've always done it

Middle school is a time of great change and upheaval in a person’s life. We can thank puberty for that, along with an adolescent’s growing self-awareness and sense of identity.

Many students try on different superficial identities, coming to school with a carefully cultivated goth, punk, or preppy look. If it doesn’t fit, they simply move on to the next one.

On the other hand, there are profound transformations that are possible when students are willing. They can let go of a lifelong antipathy toward math and become devoted to it; instead of being closed off and lonely, they can initiate friendships.

In both cases, the change comes about as a result of making different choices. Make enough of these different choices over time, and you’ve become someone who makes those choices. You’re different.

I’ve had this in mind throughout a series of recent moves (house to storage unit, storage unit to truck, truck to storage unit, storage unit to house, plus apartment to house). There’s nothing like moving to get you contemplating your possessions and what possessed you to have so many of them. If you tend to hang onto things, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the tyranny of stuff.

If you dig into the roots of this problem, you might realize that you have a particular item because you have had that particular item for so long — it’s simply a habit to keep it around. And it doesn’t have to be. You can choose to get rid of that item at any time. Get rid of enough items, and you are no longer a person who tends to hang onto things. You can now live more freely.

There are similar patterns in our habits of eating, spending, sleeping, studying, working, and relating…and we can change them all. We can take action to build new habits. The way you’ve always done it doesn’t have to be the way you do it in the future.

The adolescents I’ve worked with over the years may be less set in their ways than us adults, but they still have the same resistance to change. They cling to the aspects of their identity that they believe make them “them,” even if these things are the source of misery. But they’re not going to need years of therapy to unpack that. They can begin making different choices from this point forward, and so can we.

I’m not saying it’s easy to change. But the pain comes from our thoughts and beliefs about the change, not from the change itself. Putting a book or a sweater in the “donate” bin isn’t inherently upsetting. Telling myself a story about offending my dead grandmother and my living relatives can be quite upsetting. Choosing to believe something new — and perhaps going against what a trusted adult once told us about ourselves or about the world — can be really hard. But I’ve learned that we don’t have to get all the way through the pain before we start doing new things. Doing the new things helps us to build the momentum to get through. We start seeing the possibilities on the other side.

As I grow, I see layers and layers of opportunity to make life better. I can’t do it all at once, but I can get there step by step, day by day. As I change, the change is less scary. It becomes easier and more peaceful to let go. That has me intrigued about what’s next.