I'm sorry, I have plans.

“Saturday night? Uh, I have a…thing.” (British Library)

I suspect that a lot of the world’s most prolific Internet meme creators and curators are introverts. There seems to be a disproportionate number of memes focusing on the habits and preferences of people who would rather do anything but commit to plans with their fellow humans.

Though I am an extrovert, I can relate; I am a morning person who loves to be in bed by nine. I wasn’t always this way, though. I was young and fun once upon a time. But even when I wanted to get to bed early, I didn’t know how to allow myself the privilege. I worked six days a week and still said yes to everything. It wore me out.

Finally, on some exhausted weekend, my mother gave me some good advice. She pointed out that two events don’t have to be in direct temporal conflict in order for you to have to skip one.

This blew my mind. Previously, I had thought that a brunch at 11 AM would easily allow me to go to dinner party at 7 PM. The brunch would be over by 2:00, leaving a five-hour buffer before the dinner party.

However, time is only one of the resources in play. There is also your energy.

And there may be plenty of other tasks competing for that same energy — tasks that may not take up a specific slot on your calendar in advance, but nonetheless need to be completed at some point.

So if you want to go to both parties, you’re going to have to figure out when to squeeze in exercise, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying the house, getting the oil change, and so on. And it may be theoretically possible to do it all in the time available — but you’re not a machine. You also need rest.

So maybe both parties aren’t on the same evening — their times don’t overlap — but they are in conflict. You might not be able to attend both, and that’s okay.

I have frequently filled up my days to the point where I don’t have time for the basic maintenance of life, like trips to the gas station and grocery store. It is a chaotic way to live that makes me feel like I’m being chased by something. The downstream consequences of deferred chores, like a messy home, burned-out lightbulbs, and a nearly empty tube of toothpaste, drain my energy even further.

I’m at my best when I slow down, prioritize the things I need to do to be responsible and take care of myself, and fit other obligations in after that. I don’t always get it right, but viewing my life through this lens has made it easier to say no to things without feeling guilty. Sure, there’s nothing on the calendar at that exact time — but I still have plans for that free space. “Nothing” is exactly what I want in that time slot, and that’s allowed.

What about you? Do you factor in energy and other resources when you’re deciding whether to accept an invitation or take on a project? Are there certain things you find it hard to say no to? Which activities do you tend to feel drained by? Which activities energize you? Which ones do you always find room for? Let me know in the comments.