Having difficult experiences
The other day, one of my students (let's call her Maureen because no American kid is named that in 2022 and it's funny), was working on a math problem that was really more of a number puzzle.
Maureen turned to me and asked a question that I was utterly prepared for: "Am I really going to need to be able to do this in my life?"
"Being able to persist through difficult problems? Absolutely," I said. To her credit, Maureen did not roll her eyes.
However, she did beg for help. I told her that the point of a puzzle is the fun of solving it, and I didn't want to deprive her of the feeling of satisfaction that she would get when she finally did it.
Maureen did have a point. There was very little intrinsic practical value to being able to do this number puzzle. That's why it would have been silly for me to help her much beyond making sure she understood the instructions.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, Maureen felt the glow of accomplishment. "I got it!" she crowed.
(And that's my whole approach to teaching: Lazily sit around while the student does all of the work.)
We like to spend time in safe and comfortable environments. They are nice to sleep and relax in. They do not yield growth, though. For that, we need to stretch ourselves and be uncomfortable. We need to deal with discomfort and sometimes even pain — not just for the sake of growth, but because life will bring it to us regardless of whether we go out looking for it, and we ought to be prepared.
I had a bunch of dental work done today. A friend suggested that I ask for nitrous oxide. I could have also asked for them to play something distracting on the TV screen above my head showing the Hulu menu. I guess I could have also listened to something on my phone.
But I thought about the people sheltering in parking garages in Kyiv, as I often do these days. I decided that I could tough it out. If I am constantly seeking to be comfortable, I won't be in a position to cope when life gets hard. I won't have practiced the skill.
The experience was not fun, but it was interesting. It turned out to be an exercise in mindfulness. I ended up relaxing so much that I think I fell asleep. Nearly three hours later, I had made it through. Like Maureen, I felt pleased with what I had been able to achieve.
Of course, life is hard enough that we don't even have to go looking for ways to make it harder. Just getting stuck in traffic is miserable. But that's the point, I guess: We have to have what it takes to endure these things, and we gain that fortitude through having difficult experiences. I'm not sure there's another way.
I do not believe that everything worth doing is difficult. I think that's a load of crap. And yet, there is plenty that's worth doing that is difficult, even if it only happens to be difficult because we haven't done it before. It may well be easier later, but we still need to face that daunting initial pass. If we expect a bit of frustration, discomfort, and confusion, these unpleasant feelings will be less likely to shut us down.
And if we encounter these unpleasant feelings often enough, they will be less unpleasant — familiar colleagues as opposed to enemies.
I'm the farthest thing from saintly or monklike, but I have learned to embrace and even sort of enjoy difficult experiences. I like knowing that I'm expanding my capacity, learning and growing. It has been a key part of my life's work to help others see it this way, too.
If you have a difficult experience in the next week or so — and you probably will — maybe it will be soothing, in a way, to see the growth opportunity that it represents.
And if you have the chance to prevent a child or adolescent from feeling the discomfort of a difficult experience, I have one word for you: don't. If that's hard for you, good.