What if everyone hates it?

What if a flaw is actually a gift? (Image by Couleur)

There were a number of years where I dreaded opening my email inbox.

I just never knew who was going to have a problem that was my fault. 

The fear went away — but the emails demanding my attention didn’t. There is almost always someone upset with me now, and I’ve learned to live with it. 

At first, it was demoralizing and paralyzing to think that I had made an enemy. To know that, despite my best efforts, I had let someone down or caused them harm was so painful that it made the rest of my life seem empty and shameful. What could I possibly contribute now? I was persona non grata, worthless and hopeless. 

It’s not that I’m comfortable now with disappointing people or hurting them. But I have more compassion for myself than I used to. I no longer see things in such a black-and-white way. I know that I can mess up and still be lovable, just the same as everyone else. I have come to accept that I’m not going to be perfect. There is so much more I need to learn, and the ugly parts of life are part of that learning process if I can’t summon the wisdom to avoid them. And sometimes, even when I’m operating based on all the wisdom I can muster, I still suffer.

There is a positive aspect to this suffering, which is that I care way less about some of the more mundane discomforts of life. What if I put on an event and everyone hates it? I’ve done that. What if I send out a mass email that offends someone or makes me look foolish? Check and check. And what if I do something creative and bomb onstage? Welp, I’ve already crossed that one off the list, too. The list goes on. There is a freedom in already having ruined a bunch of stuff.

People unsubscribe to my blog. They write lukewarm reviews. They criticize me to my face and talk about me behind my back. I always want to hear genuine feedback, however uncomfortable it is, but I’ve realized that I don’t have to pay attention to all of it, all the time. I’m allowed to take a break and enjoy friends, family, good food, sleep, and all of the other things that keep a person going. I don’t have to pay penance or self-flagellate. I can mess up, own it, and move on.

If you are afraid to step forward because you don’t want to get it wrong or upset someone, I totally understand. What helped me was to remember that some people value the contributions I make to the world. That’s enough. I don’t have to get everyone on board, which is fortunate because I never will. But for the people who want what I offer, it’s just right.

And it’s the same for you. The fear that’s holding you back from sharing — because what if they hate it? — is also preventing your biggest fans from finding you. They’re looking for you, with all of your imperfections and eccentricities. Your regrets and mistakes have made you who you are and given you a vulnerability and compassion that is worth so much more than a spotless record.

I’m so sorry for any hurt I have caused. And for the stupid and ill-considered things I’ve done. And just the same, I’m glad for what these experiences have taught me and how they’ve changed me. I have been living a life that’s often a little too big for me to handle instead of playing small. It’s my fault and my choice — and sometimes, that’s something I’m actually pretty proud of.