Escaping our own traps

“Why do I always have to be the one who holds the banner? Why did I even agree to this dumb parade? Well, I don’t have to take this. In 1898, things are going to be different.” (National Library of Norway)

I can lump my middle school students into two brutally overgeneralized categories: those who crave drama and those who enjoy life without it.

Amusingly and frustratingly, a student of the first type almost always pretends to be the second. “I just don’t want all this drama, you know? But I just can’t seem to escape it.”

When it is pointed out to him that he could choose to associate with classmates who are drama-free, he will retort that everyone is full of drama and there is no alternative.

In response, I’ll list some names of students of the second type — students who eschew gossip and subterfuge and just have fun together. Some of them are nerdy, but some of them are just plain nice.

These students are invisible to my young colleague — they’re not included in “everyone.” They aren’t on his map of classroom social dynamics. He shrugs dismissively. “Those people are kind of boring.”

So there ya have it. The only path he sees is the one he’s on. He gets exactly what he wants, which, no matter what he says, is lots of drama. Every once in awhile I’ve seen someone break out of that cycle, but it is rare.

I’ve also borne witness to the employee who is so wrapped up in her history of always having a domineering, unfair boss that she becomes hostile and paranoid, inevitably quitting or getting fired. The colleague who is constantly ill or dealing with a broken-down vehicle or a messy family situation, preventing him from having to do anything too demanding at work. The jealous partner who creates a rift in relationship after relationship. The business owner who pays poor wages under the table and then complains how hard it is to find good help.

We trap ourselves by unconsciously eliminating the alternatives to the way we’ve always done it. Therefore, one way to break out of an unhelpful pattern is to deliberately, consciously restore these alternatives, even if they seem far-fetched or unappealing.

We tend to seek out whatever reinforces our story and worldview, so then that’s exactly what we get. To change this, we have to become aware of our stories and beliefs and recognize that that they are malleable. I’m not talking about the law of attraction, per se. I know I didn’t create the coronavirus or the rainy weather. But I do get to choose my reaction to my situation, and that’s where I can influence the outcomes I experience. I don’t have to be trapped in unpleasant relationships and circumstances. I can spot the options that I didn’t see when I wasn’t looking for them. Many possibilities are hiding in plain sight.

As we reflect on the year that is ending and the new one about to begin, we have an opportunity to build something different for ourselves. In truth, we have this opportunity every day. if we want something different than what we’ve been getting, we can change our actions.

It can be be very uncomfortable at first to take a different action if that action doesn’t match the story we’re telling about ourselves. Why, I’m the person who gets so wrapped up in putting out fires all day that I never get to my own creative projects. My housework always piles up, so I never get to the end of the clutter. I’m too hungry to wait till dinner — I have to have this snack now! And so on.

But we can make adjustments. When at the crossroads — drama or no drama? — we can try the path that we would normally eschew. Even if it’s just an experiment, it broadens our experience and expands our thinking.

For my part, over these next few weeks, I’ll be challenging my belief that I am unable to stick to a routine. What story about yourself would you like to change? And what support do you need to follow through?

Here’s to 2021. Tomorrow might be exactly the same as yesterday — but it could be different. It’s up to us.