A dangerous world, with yourself at the center

Bad luck? Change the way you frame it. (Image by Bobby Louvre from Pixabay)

With wide-eyed innocence, a ten-year-old student shared the words her mother had used to comfort her when she had hurt herself.

“She sad there are always bad things swirling around, and sometimes they land on you.”

I was flabbergasted. I imagined a world in which evil butterflies have the power to curse hapless humans with a touch.

This is not the world I live in, but it was definitely the world this girl’s mom lived in. Believing it to be the right thing to do, she was sharing her paranoia with her daughter.

I was several years into adult life before I realized that when people express beliefs like this, it’s because they really mean it. When a twelve-year-old boy says that his teachers are “out to get him,” or a teacher says, “my students are messing with me,” they are viewing the world through a filter in which these things are undeniably true, even though there is no evidence visible to a third party.

I share this for two reasons:

First, if you ascribe nefarious motives to the people (and butterflies) around you, I encourage you to stop. Unless you are Jason Bourne, it’s probably just narcissistic to think that others are spending their energy trying to bring you down. Life is far easier when you assume goodwill. It may take a lot of practice to replace beliefs that are no longer working for you, but it is worth it.

Second, understand that those around you — your students, colleagues, supervisors, employees, family — may have paranoid or superstitious beliefs, however subtle. It’s not your fault or your problem, but you may end up dealing with it on a daily basis. When you hear comments like, “This computer just doesn’t like me,” “I hate math and math hates me,” or “This person didn’t call me back — I guess I’m just not important,” the person is giving you important clues about their worldview. If people are encountering issues in school or work, identifying and dismantling such beliefs can be transformational.

I make a practice of looking out for the offhand comments (be they my own or those of others) that are indicative of superstition, paranoia, or negativity. When it’s appropriate, I address them. For instance, I worked with a teacher who flippantly used the word “evil” to describe an eight-year-old. It was a “just a joke,” but it revealed a lack of warmth and respect that made this person poor fit for our organization. When every word matters, nothing is “just a joke.” We are constantly communicating our beliefs and biases.

Another example of an offhand comment I must to reflect upon and address is my own tendency to revert to, “I’m stuck,” when working through a problem. When I’m thinking out loud, it’s the first thing I say, almost reflexively, even when the evidence suggests that I’m not actually stuck. I am practicing sharing my ideas without first reinforcing the stuck-ness.

As we become more effective in our work and play, we will always see new opportunities for growth. This is a never-ending process that can be approached from many angles. What I’ve presented here about paranoid or superstitious beliefs is just one. Let me know if it is helpful to you!