Coaxing better performance out of ourselves
My friend says that to motivate a hen, mealworms are very effective. What works on you? (Image by JackieLou DL)
I had big plans for the summer I was twelve.
I can’t remember what all of them were, but I know one of them was to practice the piano every day for thirty minutes. Maybe I was also going to write or draw every day and keep my room tidy.
Apparently, I haven’t changed a whole lot in terms of the things I’d like to accomplish. But I’m a lot better at sticking to my routines these days. What I didn’t know when I was twelve was that when, inevitably, I failed to follow through on my commitment, it wasn’t a permanent failure. I could always try again.
Many of us struggle to follow through on things that our past selves were enthusiastic about. The act of committing to something is easy; supporting that commitment with consistent action can be challenging. I believe that, if we can release ourselves from the shame of falling short of what we hoped for, we can improve our success rate.
Instead of associating an activity with shame, which makes us want to never think about it again, we can give ourselves permission to fail repeatedly as we pursue that activity, making it neutral instead of something that makes us feel bad.
Better yet, we can lower the bar of what we expect of ourselves to something we can more easily clear, meaning that we begin to associate the activity with positive feelings as we build small successes upon small successes.
In the example of playing an instrument, sitting there for thirty minutes a day might be pretty overwhelming if no routine has already been established. I could, instead, make the commitment to play a little every day, even if it’s just a minute. That’s much easier to stick to. If I remember just before bed that I forgot to play, I can quickly fix that. If I do end up forgetting completely one day, it’s no big deal to try again the next day. The barrier to entry is so low.
Over time, I can increase the amount of time I require of myself, always making the goal something confidently doable. When I miss a day, it’s fine. There doesn’t need to be a sense of failure. There doesn’t need to be a shame spiral. I’ll be happy to jump back into it at the next opportunity.
Unfortunately, not every activity can be so precisely calibrated. What about an online course that we paid a lot of money for that we stopped showing up to? What about an essay that we’re supposed to write for school that’s already two days overdue?
I would argue that, in order to break through the procrastination and frustration blocking us from getting started with daunting projects that already have a whiff of shame associated with them, we still need to find a way to break things down. We need to find a path toward some kind of win.
The first step is to forgive yourself for not doing what you were supposed to do in the time frame in which you were supposed to do it. You’re okay. You’re just a person. Persons forget what they were supposed to do and balk at doing uncomfortable things. You’re normal. It’s fine.
Then, set a timer for seven minutes and take some action toward the project in that time. Reading your notes, jotting down some ideas — anything. Keep going until the time is up.
Then, set a timer for seven minutes and do some neutral or enjoyable activity. Some stretches, browsing social media, emptying the dishwasher, walking around the block — whatever.
When the timer goes off again, get back to the dreadful activity and give it seven more minutes of your time.
Having done this, you can begin to measure the progress of the project not in whether it is done or not, but in how many seven minuteses you were able to do.
As you move forward, you may gain a little momentum. The relief of finally working on the scary, daunting project can eclipse the shame, bringing you some energy and enthusiasm. Ride that wave. Increase the timer to eight minutes or ten, or do back-to-back sessions without taking a break. You’re doing it! And day by day, a few minutes at a time, it will get done.
This is how we coax better performance out of ourselves. We don’t need to berate ourselves for falling short. We grab hold of the tiniest success we can find and celebrate it.
Those who are most likely to be motivated by shame are skeptical of this approach. They believe that if there is no shame, no work will happen. Through sheer force of will, they can drag themselves through many grueling hours of work if the shame is intense enough.
Others scoff at the seven minutes and point to the scope of the project. “I’ll never get it done if I just let myself do seven minutes,” they say. “I need eight hours.”
Listen, do what works for you. But to me, shame is a dead end, and honoring tiny increments of progress frees us up emotionally and energetically to do more. My way is not hypothetical or idealized or what you “should” be able to do. It’s designed to meet you where you are, in your lowest moment, and allow you to succeed. It never fails.
I believe success streaks are made to be broken — who needs the pressure? I believe that I deserve a piece of chocolate for every piece of official paperwork I fill out. And I believe that I can achieve what I set out to do not by being tough and unforgiving, but through gentle encouragement and positive reinforcement. I believe that you can do the same.
