Coaching each other

Get it wrong, make a new friend? (Image by ninita_7)

I’m currently involved in a few reciprocal coaching relationships.

There are certainly moments when my conversation partner and I are giving each other new information or insights. But so often, I’m offering advice that the other person could have given me, and vice versa.

We already know what we should do, but we have a hard time seeing it until it’s reflected back to us.

The confidence that comes from receiving this type of support is worth it, though, even when the answers you glean are no surprise. It’s worth the time and money that I’ve spent on mentorship. It’s worth all of the courses that I’ve taken. It’s even been worth the college degree.

Because information and knowledge is not enough to get us to change our behavior. Knowing about something doesn’t mean we know how to implement it, and even knowing how to do something isn’t always enough for us to be able to do it. And definitely not consistently.

What we need to get us moving is support, accountability, confirmation, validation, and simply encouragement.

We can try to give ourselves these things, but it’s awfully lonely. Sometimes, we can find the certainty and confidence we need inside of ourselves, but it’s sure nice to have another person to help us to cultivate it — especially someone who has been down that road before us.

Of course, there are times when we’re completely missing the information or awareness of best practices necessary to be successful. A quick conversation can resolve that. I can’t even count how many professional turning points I’ve had as a result of one chat with someone who said just the thing I needed to hear.

If you’d like more of these types of interactions in your life, you can certainly pay for them, in the form of coaches, consultants, therapists, instructors, contractors, and employees.

You can also participate as a peer in a mutual exchange of time and attention. This requires the recognition and acceptance of the value of your own expertise, experience, and insight. Be humble, sure, but also acknowledge that you offer wisdom that is worth something.

If it’s hard for you to acknowledge what you bring to the table, consider that at the very least, your perspective is useful because it’s outside of the other person’s head. You offer a point of view that is literally impossible for your partner to get on their own.

To practice both the giving and receiving of coaching and feedback, you might begin with a simple mastermind setup in which you partner with just one other person. Each of you takes twenty minutes in “the hot seat,” meaning that you have the opportunity to share a problem or question and get input.

You will find that having a few moments completely and intentionally focused on your work, suspending the normal social rules about give-and-take and asking generous questions of the other person, allows you to go deeper into solving a problem and generate new insights about how to manage it. The issue you’re facing becomes real.

And then, when it’s your turn to listen, ask questions, and offer suggestions, you will sharpen your thinking and problem-solving skills. You’ll find yourself stepping into the role of advisor. In doing so, you’ll discover that, though you don’t have all the answers for your partner, you do have some useful experience or a unique viewpoint to share — or an incisive question to ask. This, in turn, can give you increased confidence when you return to your own work.

Like tennis or chess, it’s good to be matched with someone of a similar level of skill and experience, but there is value to be gained for both parties even from apparently mismatched pairings. This is part of the architecture of twelve-step programs like AA and Al-Anon.

If you don’t have a community of others around you who are working on challenges like yours, that will be the first thing to find. Luckily, the Internet makes it easier than ever before to find people like you — or people who will be compatible with you.

True connection with another person is precious. It can change your life. And you might be the one to change someone else’s life in the same way. Worth a try.

If you would ever like to connect with me for a mastermind, just reach out! I’m sure I could benefit from your wisdom.