A year ago today
I have kept a diary for many years.
That enables me to go back at regular intervals to find out what I was doing and thinking in the past.
Often, I have looked up how things were “a year ago today.” The conceit is that I can marvel at the progress that I have made in that time.
This is kind of a silly way to view time and progress, however. What kind of progress am I talking about? On what fronts? How do I gauge long-term progress versus the short-term gains and losses that move me back and forth like the tide marks along a beach?
And how do I measure how much progress is “enough” for one year?
Since I’m not much of a goal-setter, whatever ground I've gained during a given time period is probably unquantifiable.
On some level, I’m always moving forward in life, gaining experience and hopefully a bit of wisdom along with it.
And in another way, I’m declining. My fertility is waning. My eyesight is weakening. The options for my career are diminishing (which is just to say that I’m not likely, at this point, to go to the trouble to become a doctor or a software developer).
There was a time when any notion of “progress” could be set against a seemingly limitless expanse of time and potential.
Now, it's not so comforting to look back and see where I was a year ago. Especially in the context of the pandemic, which saw many doors close and many plans put on hold. It strange to see that things are, in some ways, exactly as they were — if not stagnant, then steady.
So when I think about where I was a year ago today, it might as well be ten years ago or one week ago. Whatever I was doing then need have no bearing on what I’m doing now. What I’m doing now is what matters, and what I plan to do next is where I ought to put my energy.
When I look back a year, what am I looking for? Where do I want to see movement? What do I wish I had done or accomplished in that time? What is different that I’m grateful for, and what has changed that I’m concerned about?
I can use the answers to these much more useful questions to dictate how I spend the coming year. Maybe I don't have has much room as I used to to allow things to unfold on their own schedule. Therefore, I can nudge a little more deliberately and build a solid plan. I could even set goals.
When I’m operating according to a plan, it’s easy to measure how it’s going because I’ve already decided the metrics ahead of time. There’s no vague storytelling to shape the narrative according to what will make me feel better. That has often worked to keep me motivated to continue on whatever path I’m on, but bona fide data is what will be most useful in following through with the plan I’ve committed to.
Here’s what’s kind of cool: I actually have tracked all of my work over the past fourteen months or so. I can look back at a number of projects I’ve completed. It’s not about picking an arbitrary moment in time a year ago today. If I want to, I can dig in detail into exactly how I’ve spent the past twelve months. When I do, I can see that I did the things that I set out to do. If there’s a gap between where I am and where I would like to be, then, it must be a question of intentionally setting out to do more things.
So I’m staying accountable to the plan — that’s the watchword moving forward. I’m challenging myself to do the work of thinking and managing what is to be done, not just the work of doing it.
And a year from now, I hope to look back at today and feel satisfied with the choices I made. There's not much more I can ask of myself.