The not waiting is the hardest part

Let’s just get this over with. (Internet Archive Book Images)

It’s spring. Finally spring.

Living for many years in Atlanta taught me that even a mild, short winter can seem exhaustingly long. The camellias and pansies bloom all through January and the daffodils show up around Valentine’s Day each year, but the damp, cold days felt endless somehow. I was always just ticking off the days until spring—or at least, spring-like weather.

Now that I have moved some some ten degrees of latitude to the north, I have learned to enjoy winter. I had to—there was no escape this year. No promise of a trip to warmer climes. No way to make the time go by faster. So I sought to appreciate the cold and the snow and the short days. I went for exhilarating walks in warm boots and came home to a hygge-filled home replete with candles, comfortable textiles, and nerdy board games. Ironically, in the midst of the pandemic and a much colder, harsher climate, I stopped waiting and simply appreciated each day as it came.

As a kid growing up in Maine, I lived for the summer. Of course the warm weather was better than the cold weather, and being out of school was better than being in school, right? And then, as an adult, I became a teacher and I never quite lost that cycle, even after I found myself working year round. Although I was living in a place with undesirably hot summers. I was still waiting for summer somehow.

I began to realize that my perpetual state of waiting was a choice. As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá put it, “If we are not happy and joyous at this season, for what other season shall we wait and for what other time shall we look?” I saw that if I wanted a more satisfying life, I had the power to make that happen. I didn’t have to spend all my time yearning for some better future. I could choose to break that habit. I could take action to create the future I wanted. At the very least, I could shift my thoughts to appreciation of the present.

Little by little, I’ve made shifts in order to make my life more about living than waiting and break out of my old patterns. I hired help so that I had more time freedom and more choices about my work. I went out on “school nights.” I took trips at weird times like October and February and tested how long I could stay away. I moved to a city by the sea. I lit the candles, ate the fancy chocolate, and wore the nice sweater instead of saving such things for special occasions.

Has the pandemic challenged my ability to prioritize the present moment? Yes, it has! Even though Dusty told me that it was no use, I’ve spent a lot of time “wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’ and plannin’ and dreamin’.” But this thing has gone on for so long that I have had periods of time where I let go of the future completely and find something to get immersed in. Those are the best days.

Now that the vaccine is here and there is an end in sight, it is harder to shake that sense of waiting. However, I’m realizing that it’s that much more important to let go of the future and find things to enjoy in my current circumstances—or make changes if that’s what’s in order. Otherwise, I won’t even know what to do with myself when I have more freedom. The waiting will have become a habit again, a prison sentence I don’t even realize that I’m serving.

For me, letting go of waiting means moving forward with scary plans, like starting projects I’m not sure will work or making a hire. It means going for a walk when it’s drab and windy out. It means making sure I have healthy food in the house instead of getting takeout one more time. It means spending time on hobbies and staying in touch with friends and family. It means advocating for causes I believe in. It means not looking at the news or social media for more than a quick scan. It means staying committed to my long-term plans, no matter what is happening with the world or the weather.

Eventually we’ll have summer, freedom, and healthy communities. But I don’t need those things in order to move forward with my life. I can do my best with what I have now.

Waiting is something I’m very good at—I have a lot of practice. Not waiting is harder. However, it’s the way that I’m choosing to orient myself. How about you?