Which things to do the hard way

It’s okay to drive a car to the base of the mountain. (Image by Karl Egger)

It’s the time of year when resolutions and self-improvement are in the air.

Unfortunately, most of us will have abandoned our goals within weeks. Why is it so hard to follow through?

Here’s what I see as a teacher and a coach: We beat ourselves up for struggling with difficult things, and then the discomfort is so intolerable that we take the easy way out. It’s all pain, no gain.

What we can do instead is to lean into challenges that require thinking and problem-solving while following an established plan in situations that call for repetition and routine.

In this way, we save our creative thinking for novel and brain-stretching challenges, expecting and embracing the frustration we will experience.

Then, we will have energy left over for improving our results when it comes to changing or improving our habits.

For example, suppose I want to eat healthier. I will do best if I take advantage of all of the resources already out there. I can simply follow someone else’s proven meal plan and shopping list and save myself a lot of stress. When I stumble, I will be able to simply get back on the path.

There are so many of us who berate ourselves about something like this: “Why can’t I just eat healthy? What’s so hard about this? Why do I need someone else’s plan? This should be obvious.” This attitude is a killer! We’re much better off treating ourselves warmly and kindly until a shift in our habits is well established. Baby steps will get us where we are going in the long run, no matter how silly it seems to need them. The journey upward should have as gentle a grade as possible. Let’s be easy on ourselves.

On the other hand, the creative work that we do — decision-making, designing, innovating — is anything but routine and requires our full attention and brainpower. Here, we will gain the most if we pursue our own plan, even if — especially if — it pushes us to the limit of our capabilities.

That’s not to say that we can’t consult others or use resources that are out there. But when we’re doing something new, there may not be anyone who can tell us exactly how it should go. We may have to experiment. We try something, see how it works, tweak our approach, and try again.

For example, I recently decided that I wanted knit a pair of leg warmers. I could have knit them from someone else’s pattern, but I really wanted to design my own. And for this first go-round, I wanted to do it from scratch. Instead of consulting someone else’s pattern, I did the math myself. I messed up and had to start over a bunch of times. I learned a lot from doing it this way. Now, when I look at other people’s patterns, I will see more than I would have before.

This is not an easy or quick process. And we can and do beat ourselves up for that: “Why can’t I just get this? Maybe I’m not smart enough. Maybe I don’t have the talent. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I feel like everyone else is getting it except me.” But if we accept that it should be hard and time-consuming to solve tricky problems, we can more easily relax into the process and even enjoy it.

We can spend our precious time and energy getting annoyed with ourselves for doing it wrong — for some of us, that’s where we’re most comfortable, even if it feels awful. But a better approach is to give ourselves the necessary support to succeed at routine tasks (and accept that they will still be challenging) and to give ourselves the necessary time and space to explore creative tasks (and accept that they will be challenging, too, in a different way).

The hard way, really, is the “beating yourself up” way. If you can let go of that, everything is easier. You’ll have the confidence to pursue challenging tasks for the sake of your own growth and learning even as you improve your ability to execute everyday tasks to your satisfaction. You’ll find yourself stronger and more successful — and happier.

Where might you benefit from being more gentle with yourself? Where might you be brave enough to give yourself a big, interesting problem to solve?