What's driving you?

How many people spend their lives longing to be beautiful, only to look back at the end and realize that they were? (Library of Congress photo)

I’ve learned that I can never assume that I know what someone wants.

I can’t assume that they know, either.

Interestingly, they might already have that which they say they are looking for, or at least the means to acquire it. However, they’ve been on their quest for so long, they don’t even notice this. Their eyes are fixed firmly forward, unable to see what’s around them.

For these people, the things that drive them might stem from childhood. They are unconscious desires that don’t go away when they achieve their goal. They don’t realize that they were never seeking the outcome of the goal; rather, they’ve always been driven by the pursuit of it.

This distortion needs to be addressed if we truly want happiness. In fact, a lot of people don’t. They prefer the constant state of striving. They find a kind of satisfaction in never being satisfied. There’s no right or wrong way to approach this, but it’s certainly important to figure out where you fit.

When I was an adolescent, I wanted a boyfriend. This desire was a huge distraction for me throughout most of middle and high school. I don’t know exactly where it came from, but the message that “a girl needs a boyfriend” was certainly omnipresent in the media and my social environment in the 80s and 90s. So I came to believe that I would be complete if only I had a boyfriend and tried to figure out how to make that happen.

I turned out to be very bad at boyfriend acquisition, but that’s where the story gets interesting: I wasn’t actually interested in having a boyfriend. I know this because I turned down or otherwise avoided all available boyfriend opportunities until I was seventeen. I was interested in a hypothetical, idealized boyfriend, and like the hypothetical automobile-chasing dog who wouldn’t know what to do with a car if he caught it, I hadn’t thought past the desire that was driving me. I didn’t really want to do the work of being a girlfriend, and I didn’t really want a boyfriend. I only wanted to want one.

I’ve seen people do this with career opportunities, creative pursuits, spiritual fulfillment, money, prestige, family time, free time, health, and happy relationships, and more. So focused on seeking, they do what they can to remain in that state of seeking instead of realizing what they have.

In my teaching, coaching, and consulting work, I have been experimenting with this phenomenon. What does it take for someone to let go of what’s driving them? The first step is to see that this is happening. From there, it becomes a conscious decision to continue in the direction they’re going or to begin to make a shift. However, it’s not easy.

With respect to my boyfriend quest, I can see that I was protecting myself from situations I wasn’t mature enough to handle. In retrospect, it was a wise choice, even though I didn’t have the wherewithal to shut down the quest itself. If a particular drive is serving a certain purpose, that might make it harder to change, but perhaps understanding the reason behind it can be helpful in moving toward a more conscious, intentional state of being.

Some of my drives are useful. I am usually excited to get started on work in the morning and see what the day will bring. I want to get better at French and declutter my house. We’re saving money for a couple of important things. But I have to know what the stopping point is for each goal I pursue. Otherwise, how will I know when I have made it? If I don’t, I may barrel on past the destination—a fulfilling, joyful life—and get lost. The more aware I am of what’s driving me, the closer I can get to not just to a hypothetical quarry, but what I truly want.

And the big question: What’s driving you? Is there anything that used to be important to you that you’ve let go of? Anything that you thought was important to you and turned out not to be? Anything that you achieved, but only realized in retrospect? I’d love to hear.