What you shouldn't need

No one gets a trophy for flossing their teeth. Maybe that’s why so few of us do it consistently. (National Library of Ireland)

When I first started working with small business owners, I was a little intimidated.

I had been a music major in college, after all, and I’d spent the larger part of my career working with kids. I wasn’t sure how valuable my contributions would really be.

Well, imagine my delight when I discovered that the needs of adults aren’t actually that different from the needs of twelve-year-olds. The fart jokes are fewer and farther between, more’s the pity. But what we require to stay on track, feel good, and succeed is pretty much the same no matter how old we are.

Of course, one of the things that many adults and adolescents have in common is a disdain for anything that seems juvenile. “I’m in sixth grade. I shouldn’t need a timer and a gold star to get my math work done.” And this is a real shame. A lot of the stuff that works to help us achieve our goals, whether in the classroom or the board room, is precisely what would motivate a five-year-old or even an eager puppy: rewards, games, praise, and treats. Our reluctance to embrace these tactics holds us back from doing our best work and having fun in the process.

What if we were to dispense with the judgment of ourselves and experiment with these elements? There are so many things we can have if we are open to the possibility: guidance, reassurance, a second try, more time, a little compassion. And our performance might improve if we have better tools, a good night’s sleep, a full stomach, or a more manageable task.

Some of these things, we can give ourselves; others, we can ask for. Maybe we don’t believe we should need them, but there’s not necessarily anything virtuous or admirable about forgoing them. Those are just points you’re racking up on a different scoreboard. If that’s helping you to accomplish what you want, fine; if not, you can take a new approach.

Maybe you believe that you should be able to remember to take a particular medication at the same time every day on your own. But there are reminders you can set on your phone, and family members who can set reminders on their phones. The important thing is that you take the medication; it doesn’t matter that you “shouldn’t need” to set a reminder or enlist the help of others. Renegotiating these arbitrary standards can have a powerful impact on your quality of life.

I encourage my students and clients to use any legal means necessary to do what needs to be done. Indeed, we can make a game out of finding tactics that trick us into our desired behavior. It’s perfectly ethical to run experiments on yourself, and surprisingly effective to offer your own prizes for following through on a project or task. In addition, there are so many types of practical and emotional support available to us—we can freely permit ourselves to make use of any and all of them. In doing so, we let other people be part of our success, which is fulfilling and rewarding in itself.

It is hard to change a habit, and I don’t blame you if you have trouble letting go of the “shoulds” you have carried around for so long, whether you’re eight or forty-eight. However, if we allow ourselves to have what we think we shouldn’t need, we will be happier and more successful at any age.

Are there any particularly pernicious “shoulds” that you’ve let go of? Do you have any clever ways of making your work a game? Please share so that I can steal your ideas.