Expressing what you want, without the "but"

When you wish upon a star, it may have exploded long ago. But did you know that wishing on a supernova remnant is just as useful? (Photo from the Chandra X-ray Observatory)

What do you want?

It’s a question we don’t always want to answer, for fear of being perceived as greedy or having our desires mocked.

Sometimes, we unconsciously recalibrate our answer to something realistic or reachable.

We may not even want to acknowledge the answer to ourselves — if we expect nothing, we can’t be disappointed.

On the other hand, paying attention to what we want is a useful way of steering our life. We may not have rational reasons for the things we wish for, but the act of wishing is leading us somewhere. Without these desires, what drives us forward? The hope for something better (or at least different) has stimulated the progress and growth of our species since we began walking upright and building tools. It is part of who we are as humans — it’s not a failure of our ability to be content with what we have. Rather, it’s a balancing mechanism.

Even though it’s normal and natural to want things, we are often self-conscious about what we want. As a coach, when I ask someone what they want, I often get a “but”:

“I would love to learn French, but what would I even use it for?”

“I really want to hike the Appalachian Trail, but I could never take a leave of absence from work.”

“I’d like a sewing machine, but I can’t afford one right now.”

When we engage the “but,” we are cutting off the possibilities. It won’t occur to us to learn French simply because we feel like it, hike the AT on weekends, or borrow a friend’s sewing machine. We assume we can’t get what we want, so we shut our desires down as soon as they are expressed.

It’s a challenge to let the idea simply hang in the air: “I want to be a pilot.” But when we can deal with the discomfort of doing this without qualifying or diminishing our statement in any way, we are much more likely to discover solutions and find the help we need. We’re acknowledging that we don’t know how things will turn out. We’re letting go of trying to control the future. And when we stop trying to control things we have no control over, we realize what we can control. We are empowered to take action without being attached to the outcome. We see that our desire puts us on a path, and we are open to following wherever it takes us.

We may never achieve or acquire the things we want. But that’s beside the point. Having something to strive for is a state of being that keeps us eager to get out of bed in the morning. It’s fulfilling in itself. Even if we get the thing we want, we’ll just want something else anyway. We might as well accept that and enjoy the process as it unfolds, without adding the fearful “but.”