The belief that makes learning awful
“I told you I didn’t know how to land it!” (San Diego Air and Space Museum Archives)
Teachers my have a reputation for torturing students, but many students do just fine torturing themselves.
Underlying many of our most painful experiences in growth and learning is an unnecessary belief that, once released, opens up all kinds of possibilities.
Often unstated by adults because it might be buried a bit deeper, we can count on kids to express this belief right out loud, which helps them get over it faster:
“I should know this already!”
(Or, “I should know how to do this already.”)
It’s easy to see how such a belief takes root. By the time we’re five years old, most of us are placed with our age peers and put through a curriculum sequence that we may or may not be developmentally ready for. The following year, we do it again with a new curriculum, and so it continues for over a decade. It seems as though we’ve divided everything in the world into units of study that are doled out at regular intervals like the sun and rain or the widgets on a conveyor belt.
And just like yesterday’s weather or yesterday’s widget, there’s a sense that yesterday’s lesson is gone forever. That if you didn’t quite get it, you’ve lost your chance and you’re behind schedule. The next widget is coming at you, and there’s no time to stop and regroup.
Of course, missing one concept often makes it harder to grasp the next one. Meanwhile, everyone around us seems to be getting it just fine. As a result, many of us wind up with shame and fear compounded on shame and fear. We are certain that we are the problem. We must not have been trying hard enough or paying close enough attention.
So whether it’s sixth grade math or making frosting for a cake or setting up a website, we assume that any difficulty is because we missed something that everyone else knows, beating ourselves up for our ignorance and incompetence.
Even worse, in our shame and fear, we are less likely to reach out for help or pursue the work at hand long enough or vigorously enough to master it.
The good news is that once we consciously question this belief, it begins to lose its power and its hold on us. We can recognize, for instance, that this material or this task is actually wholly new to us, and that our assumption that we “should know this already,” is out of habit, not based in reality. Even if other people know how to do it, there’s nothing wrong with us for not knowing how.
On the other hand, maybe we have, in fact, covered a particular topic already. In that case, we must recognize how the belief that we should already be competent acts as a roadblock. It prevents forward motion, keeping us from learning while also causing us to suffer emotionally. In other words, if we think we should know it, there’s no room in our brain to be curious and ready to do the work to actually know it. All the while, we’re feeling bad about ourselves, which is another roadblock to learning.
It takes practice and patience to change any belief. it helps to have a trusted guide along the way. A coach, therapist, or mentor can help you work through the process more quickly and easily. Perhaps you can, gently and generously, offer this guidance to help someone else transform their learning experience.
