Take it where you want to go

“Let’s talk more about what you’re eating! I just want to make sure you know how interested I am in this topic.” (Image by Cedric Clth)

What do you say when someone new asks where you’re from?

Such a simple question has many possible answers.

The answer to the question is slightly different depending on where you are. For example, if I were asked this question in a foreign country, I would say that I’m from the United States. But if I were in my home country speaking to other Americans, I would say that I’m from Maine. If I were talking to a fellow Mainer, I would mention my city.

It goes deeper. When I lived in Georgia and was traveling elsewhere in the U.S., I had the choice of whether to mention that I am originally from Maine or to simply say that I live in Georgia.

Answering this question can get complicated for some of us. Maybe you had an upbringing that was a bit nomadic. Maybe the place that you’re from has a stigma attached to it. Maybe your past is difficult or painful to explain.

So what do you say? Well, I propose that take the conversation where you want it to go. You give the version of the truth that leads to the conversation you want to have.

The same is true for the way you might answer that seemingly innocuous question, “What do you do?” For me, the answer depends on who’s asking, why they’re asking, and what feels appropriate to reveal.

I’m not being evasive — I just don’t have a pithy, ready answer. It’s complicated. I do a few different things, and a one-word or one-phrase answer feels misleading (“I’m a teacher”) or weirdly grandiose (“I own a music school”).

I have come to dread certain predictable follow-up questions. I just don’t want to spend any more minutes of my life listing the instruments I play. Perhaps you can relate, and I’m sorry if ever I’ve asked you one of the questions you dread.

I know one guy who grew so weary of this type of small talk that he would throw out absurd answers (“I’m a lion tamer”) to polite people who were just trying their best to get through a party. I don’t advocate for that approach, but I think we are all within bounds if we tailor our answer to the situation or even the future results that we’re hoping for.

In fact, we can talk about ourselves in a way that reflects who we want to be, not just where we’ve been. What better way to usher in that new future than to introduce ourselves to new friends based on the identity we’re growing into, as opposed to the one we’re leaving behind?

Now that my one-on-one coaching roster is nearly full, I’ve realized that I’m not interested in promoting my coaching work. I want to talk about the new thing. I’m not exactly ready with a new thing yet. But I have seen this pattern often enough to recognize it. It’s got me thinking about new possibilities.

This week, heading into a conference with fellow entrepreneurs, I’m having to talk about what I do again and again. The fun part is that these folks are the ones who understand the pain of this question and the opportunity for clarity that answering it represents. Some of them even have the eagerness to engage with protracted responses to it.

That eagerness is reciprocated. These days, I love to hear about the gap between what people are doing and what they want to be doing, their vision for their future, and their ambivalence about the options in front of them.

Maybe someday, I will dread that type of small talk just like I now dread hearing about so-and-so’s niece who is a gifted pianist. But for now, I’m fascinated by people’s stories of navigating their ambitions and aspirations. I can’t resist asking questions to take it deeper. Maybe that’s a clue as to where I want to go.